Ask James: ‘How Do I Get Out Of Sunday Dinners With My Boyfriend’s Racist Parents?’

James Kavanagh answers your problems the way only a gas bitch can.

My fella has begun to get really frisky, and wants to do ‘stuff’ outside. Last night he tried to initiate sexy fun on the way home in the park (in the dark) beside our apartment. I’m just too terrified someone will catch us. How do I lose this fear? – Ciara, Cork

So presuming you want to do this, but are just afraid of being caught, you need to start lightly. But I’d make him do most of the work considering he’s the one pushing for this. Next time you’re at the bus stop and there’s no one around, start kissing him, undo his belt and drop his pants so his bum’s out and his bits are blowing in the wind. If this excites you both, then you’re onto a winner and you can begin building your bravery.

Next time you’re walking through that park, you take one boob out and he can take his bits out. Let ‘em swing and bounce in the wind. Again, see how this makes you feel. If it’s good, then keep going! Be safe, be careful and watch out for other people. Nobody needs to see yiz at it.

I absolutely hate my boyfriend’s parents, but he loves them. We have to meet with them every Sunday for dinner. It’s the day I dread the most. They say mildly racist things and have awful humour. Can I get out of this horrendous ritual? – Cathy, Dublin

I think the only real way to never see your boyfriend’s parents again is to tell them to go and shite, or break up with your boyfriend. I don’t think either of those is a viable option.

I think it’s okay to politely dislike your other half ’s parents – especially if they are mildly racist and have crap humour. But it’s all about nicely letting your boyfriend know that you’re just not into his family. Each Saturday night, put on a show; begin to get faux sick. Just ill enough to not be able to attend racist, humourless Sunday dinner. He’ll soon get the hint and leave you alone. If you’re looking for things to do on your own while he’s at dinner, see my question (right) about ‘private wanks’.

My boyfriend has started having private wanks – at least one every two days. The laptop goes in with him for the porn – the works. It hasn’t affected our sex life. but should I be worried about this? – Sinead, Westmeath

I think society and Sex And The City would tell us this is something to be worried about. I personally think sexuality is like the food pyramid. Private wanks (loving that name) is just one food item on the food pyramid that we need to consume in order to have a balanced diet. Some people just need to have that alone time. Now, where it might be a problem is if it begins to outweigh your sex life.

If he’s solely getting his needs from porn and a wank and not you as time goes on, a talk might be needed. Or if you find out that he’s actually doing one of those sexy camera shows, that’s a bit weird.

Got a problem? Snap James @jamesksnaps or email info@stellar.ie with the subject line ‘Ask James’. 

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