Ask James: ‘My Friend Is Single White Female-ing Me… Help!’

James Kavanagh answers your problems the way only a gas bitch can.

There’s a handy man in my office that comes in once a week to fix stuff around the building. He’s beautiful. How do I pursue him without being an obvious creep? – Orna, Dublin

First things first; acquire his name and do a social creep. See if he’s single, etc. When you find his Instagram, go straight to his tagged photos – ignore his uploads for relationship hints. I find straight men don’t post many (if any) couple-y photos, so it’s oft hard to tell if they are taken. The tagged photos will tell you straight away as the girlfriend usually has a load up with the boyf.

If you confirm that he’s single, then try out some light flirtatious behaviour; offer to make him tea, ask him if he’d like a biscuit or a handjob in the loo maybe (I kid, I kid). You’ll never know until you try.

My newish (we’re still in honeymoon stage) boyfriend insists on cooking us dinner a few times a week. He’s such an awful cook. How do I break this to him without a) hurting him b) possibly prematurely ending the nice honeymoon stage? – Angie, Dublin

Ah, the honeymoon stage. Where fights don’t exist and the sex is still exciting. I always encourage people to hang on to these months for as long as possible. I think you need to fake a food poisoning. After the next meal he makes you, become violently ill. Go into the bathroom during the night, make vom noises, dab cold water on your face – the works. He’ll feel horrendous about it and you’ll probably crush his cooking confidence. Hey presto, you’re now on kitchen duty or it’s takeaway time from here on in!

My friend is starting to completely adopt my look, how I speak etc, and it’s becoming disconcerting… – Anne, Wicklow

Single White Female vibes… Sometimes, people can mistake style-stealing for their friend coincidentally also following trends they are also following. You need to be sure she’s copying your moves in order for you to call her out on it. Try wearing something a little odd that can act as your accusatory-bait. Maybe try looping a small espresso cup around a necklace and wear it in front of your style-stealing friend a few times.

If she soon after starts wearing a cup around her neck, you’ve got a real case on your hands. threaten her with legal action and perhaps a letter from your solicitor.

Got a problem? Snap James @jamesksnaps or email info@stellar.ie with the subject line ‘Ask James’. 

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