Ask James: ‘Should I Move To Australia With A Guy I’ve Known For Like, Three Days?’

James Kavanagh answers your problems the way only a gas bitch can.

I just got a French bulldog and he has taken over my life. I’m cancelling on friends, not meeting up with this guy I’m seeing, have taken sick days from work. All to spend as much time as possible with Pierre. Am I making a mistake by shutting everyone else away? – Hazel, Kildare

First of all, DM me a pic on Instagram of Pierre – I LOVE Frenchies. Secondly, dogs are better than humans, and that’s just a scientific fact. Does your boss run around and lick you when you arrive into work? Would you happily clean up your friend’s poop? Does the guy you’re seeing let you put a leash on him and take him for a walk?

If you answered no to those questions, then you know what to do. Do what makes you happy and spend all your time with Pierre. F*ck the humans.

I met a guy in Coppers from Perth (he’s over here on holiday) who I’ve completely fallen in love with. He wants me to move back with him and I’m seriously considering it. Am I mad? (I’ve known him three and a half days.) – Lauren, Dublin

I love how you left that little nugget of only knowing him for a hot second until the last bit. I mean… I kinda believe in love at first sight, so I’d be inclined to encourage you to go for it. Also, the fact you’re even considering this after three days means you’re a bit unhinged, which I like, and you’re probably going to do it anyway no matter what I say.

So, do all the necessary background checks to make sure he isn’t a murderer and all that. And if you can get up and go that easily, do it! Live your new, Australian life. Send me a postcard.

My boyfriend’s mum doesn’t think I’m good enough for him. She’s always sniffing around our apartment, judging the cleanliness, hates my cat, says I’m not a good cook etc. What do I do to impress her? – Anne, Wicklow

This reminds me of Bunny in Sex And The City – she never thought Charlotte was good enough for Trey. V creepy when parents are weirdly protective of their kids like that. ESPESH when they are old enough to drink and to drive. Let them live, overbearing parents. She sounds horrendous, so you do you and don’t mind her. You’re riding her son, not her. Also try and train your cat to attack her next time she visits.

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