Disclaimer: Beautiful man pictured MAY not be Irish.
They pick us up when we’re down, dry our tears and give the best hugs, plus we can’t get enough of the deee-licious scent of their necks when they’re freshly aftershaved. Men are fab – but occasionally, they drive us a little crazy too.
Is this scenario in any way familiar? “So babe, where do want to go for food?” He replies by saying, “Oh, I don’t mind, it’s up to you.” But after the fourth restaurant window is perused and rejected for some flimsy reason – “Nah, y’know, I’m just not feeling Mexican/fish/burgers/air tonight” – meaning he quite clearly does mind, you’re about to stamp home in a ginormous huff and call the whole thing off.
There you are, happy out under your blankie watching your favourite soap or that episode of Homeland you’ve been dodging spoilers on all week, and he comes along, picks up the remote and says, “listen, this is a major game, can I just flick and check the score?” All of a sudden, you end up with another evening of green screen and Bayern Munich battering Barca for the zillionth time. Does he need to see a lot of grass on the telly like other people need vitamins?
Sure, you’re not the tidiest either and are very happy to let mess gather during the week and blitz it at the weekends. But you’re pretty sure you understand the function of the laundry basket, and if you get out of bed unawares and skid across the floor on a pair of his discarded jocks just once more… you’re gonna have words. Serious words, and don’t even get us started on the wet towel on the bed.
There the pair of you are, snuggled together on the couch, little kisses exchanged, candles lit. He looks at you and says, “so, fancy an early night?” You’re thinking, “sweet!” And that’s when he reaches down, gets out his Playstation controller and looks at you expectantly. Off you pop, so.
Argh! It’s 5pm on a Saturday and you’re still in your pajamas after a slovenly day on the couch bingeing on Netflix and eating giant bags of Tayto. Now he decides to spring it on you that his very houseproud mother is due around for a visit, in an hour. She already doesn’t think much of your slatternly ways, the fridge is empty and you could set up shop in the dust bunnies rolling around the hall. And when you dig a bit deeper, it turns out he knew about this all week, and he just forgot to tell you. Until now. Rage face.
You’re at your auntie Sheila’s funeral and you’re devvo. She was such a lovely woman and it’s terrible that she’s been taken from you so soon. As you sob on his shoulder and he holds you close you notice something going on downstairs… he’s got an hard-on. In the church. Your mum and dad, sisters, granny and granddad, aunts and uncles and basically every single member of your extended family are mere pews away. Like, WTF!
But he’s quite clearly in a towering huff about something. He’s grumpy, silent and won’t talk. Oh, something’s up alright, but he won’t tell you what it is, and when you ask, you get told in short tones that you’re imagining it, except you know you’re not. Eventually he’ll say what’s bothering him, after denying for hours there was anything the matter. So exasperating! You just come home, have a good cry and then you’re grand – no pretending here.
This is a trick he undoubtedly learned at the knee of his own father, and it’s a super-clever one. He thinks that if he does the domestic chores badly, he won’t get asked to do them again. Unfortunately, because this is a trick as old as time, and the battle of the sexes itself, you’re wise to it. Sorry, boyfriend. This is your gaff too, and you will continue to have an equal share in the chores. Which, unfortunately do happen to involve moving the couch away from the wall when the hoover comes out.
We know the family jewels are precious things and must be gently minded. But we have to say we doubt the efficacy of men’s underwear if they have to spend that much time rooting, re-adjusting and generally having a fidget in their drawers. And if you call any sort of attention to it, they’re all “yeah, so?” If we spent half as much time adjusting our boobs there’d be an international incident.
This article first appeared in STELLAR’s January issue. The August issue is on shelves now!
Get the latest news, hottest trends & biggest competitions to your inbox.