Ask James: My Sex Life Is Dry. How Do I Get My Mojo Back?

James Kavanagh puts the world to rights by answering your problems the way only a gas bitch can.

My sex life is dry. I brought a guy home the other night and couldn’t bring myself to get the ride. How do I get my mojo back?

ANNA, GALWAY

We all get this way from time to time, it’s totally normal. Sometimes hours go by where I don’t want any action. But then it just comes back. You should hit up makelovenotporn.com, for inspo, to get your juices flowing. It showcases sex between normal couples rather than ‘problem’ porn, i.e. 90% of porn which heroes shitty ways to have sex. Then boys end up learning to have sex like a horny chimp. Anyway… a girl friend of mine had a similar issue to you, flicked on some porn and hey presto! She was raring to mount a D again. Give it a whirl!

My boyfriend moved away for college, it caused big rows at the time (obvz didn’t want him to move). One row came to a head Valentine’s Day and he broke up with me. Since he moved, he texts me now and again telling me he’s lonely, he loves me, he misses me, but he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. I’ve kind of moved on, but am now confused since his texts. What do I do?

ALI, DUBLIN

I was in a very, similar situation in a previous relationship, but he didn’t break up with me on Valentine’s Day – I think that’s a violently shitty thing to do. Even though I’m so eye-roll about Valentine’s Day, I think a different day for a break-up would have been better. Like the day before or even after. But Valentine’s Day? Is he The Grinch?!

Anyway, you sound like you’re in your mid-20s, and I don’t think long-distance is something anyone in their mid-20s should be doing. It’s totally pointless and only causes heartache and stress. You should be out (safely) getting the ride and living your best life. Or, have a lover that lives within a few miles’ radius of you. And the whole texting you now saying he misses you but doesn’t know he wants you? Sorry but he can go eat a shoe. He’s made his bed; he can lie in it. Round up your bitches and go on a rampage and celebrate being a hot, single 20-something.

How do you go into a new relationship having been cheated on in the last relationship?

RACHEL, MULLINGAR

HA! Once again, I’ve been in this exact situation, expect perhaps an even more unpleasant version; an ex gave me an STD when he came crawling back from his night of cheating. After that, I thought I’d have major trust issues and decided ‘right, I’m gonna be a single independent woman who don’t need no man.’ But then I met my current boyfriend literally one month later. Lolz.

I still had that feeling of ‘ugh, he’s gonna cheat on me’, and I was paranoid at the start. But, I started to realise; if he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, but you can choose to leave him if he does. And, as it turned, my boyfriend has never cheated on me. The worst thing you can do is expect the worst, because it attracts the worst. Just be chill and enjoy the next guy, and don’t be a paranoid psycho looking through his phone when he falls asleep. Trust me, I know.

Last month my friend broke a glass in my house and decided to bury it in the garden for fear my mum would get mad – it was one of the good glasses. Then, last week, my dog dug it up and cut its paw. My dog is totally fine now, but my friend is riddled with guild and tears up when I bring the situation up. How to I help him get over it?

SARAH, DUBLIN

Given your dog is A OK (thank the Lord), I think you can have a bit of fun with this. In general, I think the best way to get over something you’re upset or embarrassed about is to make fun of it until it literally isn’t serious anymore.

Arrange a slumber party and invite your traumatised friend along. When he falls asleep, dip your dog’s paws in some ketchup and have the dog jump up on your friend and walk all over his face etc. Then scream “OH NO HE’S BLEEDING AGAIN!”. Your friend will be so disorientated and will freak out. Film the whole thing on your phone and upload it to Facebook. It’ll go viral and become a big joke. Then you can all move on and enjoy the funny memories!

Got a problem? Snap James @jamesksnaps or email info@stellar.ie with the subject line “Ask James.” 

This feature first appeared in STELLAR’s April issue. Our May issue is on shelves now!

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