We all fear the "We can hear you" courtesy cough.
Every time one of the girls starts seeing someone new or gets the gallop after a night on the rip, we all ask the same question the morning after: “Was it any use?”
And it got me thinking, because I was on the receiving end of the question, what makes a good ride a good ride and makes a dreadful one something you want to pretend never actually happened? Do lads worry about the same things girls do or do I just think too much? Sit back ladies and gentlemen, I’m about to talk you through all the things I cringe about after ten seconds of madness.
I forgot to shave
The last time I had sex, I had a full blown fro down there. I mean a three week long bush. I wasn’t expecting to get the ride, and when I was getting ready to head out that night I thought, there’s no point.
When we got back to his I felt like I had to warn him, sorry about me and my natural pubic hair, and he looked at me like I had ten heads and said “You know I’ve seen a woman’s vagina before, ye” and off we went for an hour and a half with the help of Jägermeister easing the embarrassment.
I cringed to bits the next day, I’m cringing now, but if he really wants to ride ya he won’t care if he has to trek through the wilderness beforehand.
He actually DID shave
…and it looked like a professional job at that. All I could think when I was down there was “How did you get so close without cutting yourself?” and “Can you tell me what razor you are using because I clearly need to invest.”
It might make it look bigger but that means f*ck all if they don’t know how to use it.
I am all for the foreplay, but there comes a time when he’s trying his best and all you think of is carpet burn.
A gentle reminder that you are not rubbing the Blarney Stone for good luck and that fingernails are an absolute no at all times.
Any cough medicine?
Is there anything worse than thinking you have both been as quiet as possible and then hearing his mam or his dad giving the “We can hear you in here” courtesy cough. It is even worse when the ma actually calls him to ask who he has in there.
Do you see the embarrassment the rent crisis in this country is causing?
The danger run
Sprinting to the jacks at 4am in the nip seemed like a good idea when you couldn’t find your clothes and didn’t want to make any noise looking for them, but in the bright light of that bathroom the fear of bumping into his da on the landing with your flaps hanging out is enough to ruin the mood for the rest of the night. Always put his T-shirt on Huns, trust me.
The left behind
Getting home to realise you went out with a bra on but came back with none. Is it under his pillow? I could have sworn I put it in my handbag! Who knows.
I don’t know if it’s because I went without it for so long that my confidence took a little hit but it has taken me a while to remember that there is nothing wrong with a bit of gentle encouragement if something is being done wrong or not to your liking, that he doesn’t care about the noises being made due to a part of his body being in your body, and that a five o’clock shadow or not, your fanny still does the same job.
I’m off out tonight to tip toe through his hall and up the stairs at 2am, to put a film on so there is some background noise and to avoid making eye contact with his whole entire family when I’m leaving at 10am with my shoes in my hands.
Stay Stunnin’ Huns!
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