#3: The 'thank effing God I'm not pregnant' one.
It’s estimated that the average woman has an average of 450 menstrual periods in her lifetime. That’s a whole lot of tampons, pads, cramps and PMS.
Of course, no two periods are alike, as any woman will tell you. Some months you barely notice anything going on down there, while others it’s like all hell has broken loose in your lady parts. Literally.
Here are the seven types of period you’ve probably experienced in your lifetime. And if not, don’t fret, you’ve a few hundred more to go…
1. The ‘Why now?’ period
You’re not due for three more days. You have a bikini wax booked in for this evening, a potentially lucrative Tinder date tomorrow night and a MASSIVE meeting to struggle through in the morning. Perfect timing ovaries, cheers.
2. The ‘Er, does anyone have a spare tampon?’ period
If your body laughs in the face of the words ‘regular cycle,’ you’ve no doubt been caught short a few times when Aunt Flo has arrived without warning.
The only downside to working with a construction crew of only men is… I don’t think any of them will have a spare tampon for me. #whoops
— Anda B (@Anda516) August 6, 2016
3. The ‘HAS SOMEONE BEEN MURDERED DOWN THERE?’ period
You know the one. Blood. Blood for days. The kind that only a Super Turbo Strength tampon can deal with.
4. The ‘False alarm’ period
You get the familiar crampy rumblings, and whip out the Tampax in earnest, only for your ovaries to change their mind at the last minute.
5. The ‘About f***ing time’ period
No matter how careful you’ve been, if you’re sexually active and your period is more than 48 hours late, you’ve no doubt decided that you are, beyond doubt, pregnant. Cue three days of panic before your period eventually arrives without so much as an apology. Cheeky fecker.
6. The ‘Sorry, but I can’t leave my bed ever again’ period
One word: cramps. If you have a particularly painful period, there’s nothing for it but to grab a hot water bottle, take to the couch and wait for the storm to pass.
7. The ‘Why are all of you so ANNOYING?’ period
How did you never notice that Sheila from Accounting types so loudly? Or that Mary in HR eats an apple like she’s making sweet love to it? Jesus, why is everyone in this room so IRRITATING? Yeah, that’d be your hormones playing a blinder.
8. The ‘eh, I thought you were gone?’ period
It’s five days in, so you reckon you’re safe to go without a pad/tampon. Yeah, you thought wrong. Knickers RUINED.
— luigi (@poopwifi) July 28, 2014