Why Always Pleasing Others Is Taking Over My Life

If you’re a millennial, movie enthusiast, or big Jim Carey fan then like me, when you see the term ‘yes woman’ it might remind you of the gender role reversed 2008 flick Yes Man. A film which follows a man named Carl – cue Jim Carey, on a journey of self discovery. Enrolling into a self-help programme to get him out a rut, the concept is simple – he just has to say yes to every opportunity. Opening his eyes to new career prospects, new relationships and overall, a sense of a more fulfilled life, it all seems to be going great until Carl realises that constantly saying yes can also negatively impact your life.

When you google yes woman you get results on how to ‘reclaim your power by saying yes’, ‘become fearless with the word yes’, and my personal favourite, the pièce de résistance, ‘be that bitch and say yes’, which to be honest sounds like a fridge magnet my ‘life, laugh, love’ mother is already the proud owner of. The sentiment I totally get, the importance of injecting some yes mentality into your life, I also totally get, but the belief that leaving no behind will result in brighter days, I just don’t buy it and I’ll explain why.

In early October, while onboard the Cork to Dublin train, my usual route back to the big smoke after a weekend spent at my parents home, I broke down in tears. I pride myself on “not being a crier” as if it’s a good thing, but usually it’s just that it takes something big to send me over the edge, tears running down my face. And on this instance, you might as well have shot me in the back, it was a flood, a Kim Kardashian diamond earring moment. I was whaling and lucky to have an empty carriage to let it all out in. It was October 3rd and on looking through my calendar app, I realised I didn’t have a free day at the weekend again until December 11th. A day where there were no birthday parties, no dinner dates, no engagement celebrations, no family gatherings, no events, nothing that called for my attendance, a whole 10 weeks later and it had me spiralling downhill, fast.

I had said yes to so much that I was looking ahead feeling anxious, stressed and if I’m quite honest, trapped. Trapped to lots of pre-arranged plans that I now couldn’t say no to for fear of letting people down. In theory I wouldn’t call myself a people pleaser but the older I’ve got the more conscious I’ve become of what everyone thinks of me, which is hilarious because I’ve always been lead to believe that with age is meant to come the opposite effect. But there I was, crying on the train because I had stretched myself too thin.

I know reading this you might think, was this woman not locked up since March 2020 like the rest of us? Is she not grateful that she’s got plenty of places to go and people to meet? And I was, I still am, but lockdown thought me a valuable lesson that I don’t think I knew prior to the extended time with my four walls, and that’s that I never made enough of it. I never made enough time to chill at home alone, to have weekend coffee dates by myself, strolling around a city I pay enough (re: too much) to live in, to allow impromptu plans with friends arise last minute or even, to allow myself to head into a weekend plan-less. If I didn’t have you booked in weeks in advance, I didn’t have time for you, and that included everyone, even myself. Being a yes woman left me with no control. Looking at my calendar made me feel powerless. I was the creator of my own demise and the only person who could equally fix it, I just needed to grow the balls to prioritise.

But prioritising is hard, especially when it comes to the weekend. If you’re wondering why I reference the weekend a lot, it’s because like many, I work a Monday to Friday lifestyle, meaning the weekend is “the golden ticket”. A 48 hour break in the schedule to make your own, thus putting a lot of pressure on utilising it correctly. Too many plans equals stress and ugly train tears, too little plans equals panic, am I wasting my precious time if I’m not socialising with others? You see the predicament, I’m sure you’re all too aware of said predicament.

But learning to *actually* utilise my time in a way that benefits my life has got to involve me looking beyond the weekend and at my overall decision making methods and wellbeing. This is something I’m learning. What actually brings me joy? I’ve started writing lists. I absolutely love spending time with my friends, I love birthdays, I love dinner dates, I love all the things that stacked up together was making me miserable on the train. Quantity was robbing me of the quality time. I wasn’t getting the opportunity to look forward to each moment because I was overwhelmed with the amount of them. Saying yes to everyone left me feeling like I was achieving nothing and giving nobody I loved enough time, it was a real case of blink twice and I’ll be gone. Now you see me, now you don’t and that’s far from ideal.

As Youtuber Emma Chamberlain recently confessed on her podcast Anything Goes when asked why she spends so much time alone, her response was:  ‘I’ve come to the realisation that it’s quality over quantity when it comes to spending time with people. Because I used to spend so much time with so many people all the time, I wasn’t really careful or thoughtful with who I would spend my time with. I would leave situations feeling like shit, feeling drained.”

Continuing, she added, “I would go home feeling frustrated like I just wasted four hours hanging out with someone who has a negative effect on me, when I could of been working on other things that actually make me feel good, or nurturing friendships in my life that actually uplift me.” Explaining that it can be uncomfortable at times to remove herself from situations and not be so much of a yes woman, Emma admitted that it’s worth the seconds of awkwardness because she’s happier this way. Instead of being backed into countless plans, she’s able to give her time to the tasks and people that fulfil her.

 

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And that’s really the keyword here, time. Using time to focus on the quality aspects in life. Plans that bring joy and help you reciprocate it back. And for me, that doesn’t mean I need to cut certain people out of my life or ghost my WhatsApp groups, it’s not that deep. It’s just that I need to be more conscious of my time, my energy and my wellbeing. Those tears didn’t pour down my face for no reason, they were a sign that I had some readjusting to do. And I hate being one to say this because entering a new year usually fills me with dread for no apparent reason, but I’m looking at 2022 as a fresh start to better my time management skills. A resolution if you will. The goal is to be more present and less booked up. To savour the quality times both alone and with those I love and to learn how to STOP saying YES to every damn plan. In the kindest way possible, I’m simply not arsed. It’s time we stop pretending like we are all the time, right?