Can We Ever Really Move Past Our Family Narrative?

“That’s our Claire, she’s always been bossy” says Claire’s mam. But what does Claire think? Is she bossy? Or has her family just chosen this personality trait for Claire based on how she behaved as a four-year-old?

There’s no denying that our family and their dynamics have a huge impact on our personalities and how we behave, but how we thought and felt as a child is often vastly different from how we are as adults, yet sometimes it can be difficult to break free from that. When you think back to your childhood, many of us have limited, if any, memories.

When I think of my own childhood, I remember the black wooden beams that ran across the ceiling of the living room in my childhood home, the feeling of scratchy tights under my school skirt, the smell of Play-Doh as I moulded rings for me and my friends to wear.

Small, but standout details are etched into my brain, but what I don’t remember is exactly how I behaved as a child, or what I said or did on a day-to-day basis. Instead, I rely on the memory of the adults around me when I was young to remind me how I was and judge who I might be now accordingly.

It’s human nature to ascribe a personality and traits to everything around you, especially children who are figuring out the world around them. Particularly in families with multiple siblings, it’s normal for each person to take on a role, even if it’s subconscious, and as we grow and evolve outside of our families, it can be difficult to see yourself outside of that role, and more importantly, it can be difficult to convince your family that you are more than how they once saw you.

“In families, ‘norms’ happen, and everyone is ascribed a role such as ‘the good girl’, ‘the bossy one’, or ‘the disruptive one’ and we can get really trapped in that and begin to believe it about ourselves.

I look at people like Russian Dolls, as an adult, how we behave sometimes comes from our family origins,” explains Chartered Psychologist Allison Keating (@thepractical.psychologist). In her book, ‘The Secret Lives of Adults’ Allison explores the seven key relationships we have in our lives and how we navigate who we are in each of those.

The relationship we have with our families is a unique one as it spans over a large timeframe. For this reason, they’re likely to see the most change within you, as you grow from childhood to adolescence and eventually adulthood. Problems arise when your family don’t accept or even see the personal changes and growth you’ve made.

If you’re the youngest sibling for example, even though you’re a grown adult now your older siblings may still see you as the ‘baby’ of the family, and treat you accordingly, even if that’s something you no longer want. Resisting being treated that way can be difficult and oftentimes we surrender and even revert back to how we felt and behaved as a child.

“People change and grow as adults and sometimes our families hold on very tight to the idea they have of you and the role you play in the family dynamics. It can be really tough to break and sometimes you might find yourself giving in and playing into the role just to make things easier for yourself,” explains Allison.

“You could be really competent and calm in work, your friends and partner might see you as someone who’s in control, but then the moment you go back home you don’t feel like you’re seen that way anymore, and that can be really challenging because you don’t see yourself the way that they do.”

Of course, it’s nice to imagine childhood and adulthood connected like two ends of a rainbow, with little change in between, but that isn’t necessarily the case, in fact, change is one of the very few things that is guaranteed in life. For that reason, it’s natural, and more than that, it’s encouraged for us to change internally too.

“People have the capacity to change,” says Allison.  “Some people hold not changing as a badge of honour. You’ll hear someone say ‘Oh I haven’t changed a bit!’, but I don’t actually think that’s a good thing. Of course, we should change, we all need to grow. If someone is unwilling to change then they won’t mature and grow. When you resist change and growth life will be much more uncomfortable for you.”

Embracing change and working on maturing is worthwhile, but what happens when your family can’t acknowledge that and treat you as the person you are now, not the child you once were? Allison recommends firstly broaching the conversation with the family members you have the issue with in a calm and non-confrontational manner.

“I would often suggest to clients to write a script of how you would like the conversation to go. Set the tone as non-confrontational and remember the points you want to make.

“For example, if you’re seen as ‘the bossy one’ and you want to approach your family members about why it makes you uncomfortable you would begin with something like ‘I’ve noticed that you often call me bossy, and if I was bossy as a child I’m sorry, but I’ve worked really hard to change that and I don’t feel that’s who I am anymore so I’m going to ask you to stop calling me that’. This is you setting a boundary.”

From there, it’s up to the person you’re speaking to, to either accept or resist your request. If the outcome of your conversation is the latter, Allison says that it’s important to connect with yourself and choose a course of action that’s healthy for everyone involved, “It might not be greeted well but having a conversation can be a first step to resolving the issue.

“The family member may never change, and in that circumstance, you can find acceptance in yourself and the other person and find a way to move on from it that’s healthy for you. Afterwards, you should connect back with yourself and sit with the feelings you’re feeling and know that they are valid. This will help you to process the situation and help you to move on from it.”

The relationship we have with our family is important, but, the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one. Accepting yourself and knowing who you truly are is key to finding contentment and we shouldn’t have to sacrifice that, regardless of how others view us.

This article first appeared in the January/February issue of STELLAR magazine.