How To Deal With Grief During The Festive Season

With the festive season approaching, we are inundated with reminders of how important it is to spend time with loved ones and show them how much they mean to us. Songs sing of family coming together, adverts show us friends gathering over a drink and the streets are full of children excitedly chattering about presents and Santa. It’s a season of so much love and happiness, but for many of us suffering from grief, it can be a season of so much pain and heartache.

At a time that is centred around coming together and spending quality time with loved ones, the empty spaces of those who aren’t there can feel a lot bigger than usual. Cards and gift guides can be triggers – a reminder that you don’t have a dad to get a funny card for, or a grandma to purchase those pearl earrings for. Traditions no longer have the same meaning, happy memories now leave a sting. For many of us the festive season may now be the hardest time of year, a time when we just want to hide ourselves away from the world and try to deal with our pain alone. However it is so important to remember you are not alone.

Personally, grief has transformed who I am. It has turned me into a much more anxious person – I know the pain of losing someone, so now I worry a lot more about the loved ones I have left. It has shown me what it is to love and to lose. It has made me appreciate the beauty in the world and other people in it. It has shown me who my real friends are and who I can rely on.

Grief has shown me what really matters in life, that nothing is more important than spending time with people you love. Happy times have turned to hard times, the festive season is a struggle now whereas I used to absolutely love Christmas. I’d start planning for it in July but now the whole season is clouded over with a sense of dread – a reminder of the presents I won’t buy, the people who won’t be sat at the table.

At times, grief can be so isolating, I feel like no one really understands how I feel because grief is so individual. Everyone experiences grief differently so no one can fully relate, even those within the same family experience the same loss differently. However, what grief can also do is bring people together.

My family is closer than ever, I appreciate my friends more than I ever did before. The love I have for the people who let me fall apart when I needed and help put me back together is so strong. For anyone who is struggling with grief, particularly over the upcoming holiday season, remember to be gentle with yourself. It’s ok to not feel excited but it’s equally ok to be excited about the new memories to be made.

Why not show the love to yourself that you would have shown them – buy yourself a gift, spend quality time with yourself doing something you love, wrap up in a cosy scarf and treat yourself to a hot chocolate and a box of Quality Street, because ah sure, it’s Christmas. Of course there’s nothing that can take away the pain that the holiday season will no doubt bring up for many of us, but it’s important to remember now more than ever that you are not alone and support is out there. Lots of online therapy platforms offer free or discounted services and maybe the festive season would be a good time to take advantage. There is also grief specific therapy out there which could be more suited to what you need.

Make sure you set boundaries and don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to things that you know won’t make you feel any better, but equally don’t be afraid to let yourself feel joy and make new traditions. Your loved ones wouldn’t want you stuck in an endless cycle of grief, they would be cheering you on as you try to make some new happy memories. Let yourself cry, write down how unfair everything is and how angry you are that they’re not here to spend these special times together.  It’s important to feel all the feelings and let them out in a healthy way to avoid getting trapped within them.

Use this time to remember your loved ones – look at pictures, reminisce on funny stories, watch their favourite movies and listen to their favourite songs. Start a new tradition for the people you’ve lost – light candles, host a dinner, lay an extra place at the table or hang a special decoration on the tree. These little rituals can all help but it’s important to remember that dealing with grief is a hugely overwhelming process which may need professional help and there is no shame in that, particularly during the festive season.

@hny.sophie check on your friends this christmas ❤️‍🩹 #christmas #grandma #grief #loss ♬ original sound – windsoredits

If you want to help someone going through grief, remember everyone goes through the process differently so respect that person’s own journey and take your cues from them– spend time with them, be there for them, but don’t judge how they’re grieving. The person smiling and laughing at the festive lunch may be going home to have a massive cry so it’s important to not make judgements. Specific suggestions of help can often be more helpful than a generic ‘how can I help’ – ‘would you like me to come with you to this event as support’ ‘I’ve made some extra helpings of dinner tonight, let me drop some over to you’ but most importantly a simple text to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ may be exactly what that person needs.

It’s also important to remember that it’s not just fresh grief that hurts. Don’t think that because their loved one passed away a long time ago that holidays aren’t still hard – it’s been two years since my experience of loss and I still get waves of grief that feel like tsunamis, that knock the breath out of me and make me feel like it’s hard to even stand up. Don’t assume that just because someone’s loss isn’t recent that it doesn’t hurt, especially this time of year.

Overall it’s important to remember that Christmas really is just another day if you want it to be. If you don’t feel up for the celebrations this year, don’t be afraid to take a much more low-key approach to the holidays than you usually would. Equally if you want to go the opposite approach and throw yourself into them even more than you usually would, go for it!

There is support out there no matter how you are heading into the festive season this year. Be gentle with yourself and remember that while grief is an individual experience, it does not mean you have to be isolated. Reach out to professionals, lean on loved ones around you and most importantly, remember to show love to yourself.

Words by Ciara Moran