Real Talk 16th October 2018 by Stellar Magazine

Ask James: ‘I Want To Walk My Cat Like You Walk Diana. How Do I Do This?’

James Kavanagh answers your questions like only a gas bitch can.

Lately, I’ve been having the most vicious hangovers. I watch your stories, and you seem to have a few remedies of how they can be cured. What can I do in my dire situations? – Anne, Kildare

It really depends on the hangover. Sometimes I get the Can’t-Stop-Vomming hangover and all you can do for that one, unfortunately, is lie in the foetal position (I find naked feels best – you do end up looking like weird baby Voldemort, though) and take little sips of water every few mins. I find a fan aimed at me really helps too. If you’re blessed with the LET ME EAT EVERYTHING hangover, then here’s what I like to do: As soon as I wake, I have a Dioralyte (natural flave), two painkillers and a pint of water. Back to sleep for an hour. Wake up, straight to McDonalds for a burger, fries and three BBQ dips. And a blizzard of crisps (cheaper the better) and an ocean of Club Orange throughout the evening.

I met a guy at Electric Picnic in the forest and it was 100% love at first sight. We danced, he held me while I vom’d and then walked me back to my tent and kissed me goodnight. Of course in my drunken state I never got his number. How do I find my forest knight in shining armour? He had really big arms and bright green eyes. – Lauren, Cork

THIS is romance. The fact he kissed you after you spewed is really something special and worth chasing. There are so many professional illustrators out there at the moment, you should hire one of them to do an artist’s impression of what he looks like, you know the way they do it in court? And then tweet it with your intentions (I’m presuming you want his hand in marriage) and it should go viral, thus finding your Forest Knight.

I have noticed you’re now walking your cat Diana. how are you doing this? I would very much like to take mine for walks, but I feel like if I attempt to put a lead on him he may try take my eyes out. – Jemma, Dublin

I think the key is getting them used to it from a young age. When you master it, it’s so great – my Diana now does her biz outside on her walks, like a dog! Don’t worry, I poop-scoop. If your cat is a little older, I think it can also be achieved with cat treats if you haven’t been able to do it from a young age. Get your hands on a packet of Dreamies (basically nectar for cats), give him some, put the lead on, give him some more, walk him a bit, give him a treat and so on. He’ll begin to associate the lead/walking with treats. In no time, you’ll both be trotting off into town.

Got a problem? Snap James @JamesKsnaps or email info@stellar.ie with the subject line ‘Ask James’.

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