How To DGAF* In The Bedroom (That’s Don’t Give A F*ck, FYI)

We're campaigning for less of the shyness in the sack, and far more wild, wanton abandon. Oh yeah!

Couple having sex on the floor

Heads up: everyone worries about their wobble, the rear view during reverse cowgirl and the way their jiggly bits, er, jiggle. But we say, feck it. The reason you’re in the sack with the person you’re getting some leaba action on with is because they like you. That’s a bit of a revelation, isn’t it? Yup, they like you, for all of you, so leave that negativity in your knicker drawer, and get it on, girlfriend. If that wasn’t enough to boost your flagging bedroom spirits, then we’ve got seven more ways you can learn to love yourself, right here. Now, go forth and mount up.

1 Stop over-thinking it

Nope, you don’t need to perform acrobatics worthy of Fossetts Circus or perfect a trapeze act involving the wardrobe, your sturdiest 90 denier opaques and a YouTube video of Cirque de Soleil. You can, in fact, have yourself some vanilla sex and it’ll all be grand. The best sex is about connection, not putting on a show. Take it from Amy Schumer, who said of her current beau, Ben Hanish, “we love having sex with each other, but there’s no performing. When it comes to sex, I lay there like I’m going to get a CAT scan so I’m not pleasing anyone.” Ah Amy, we love you.

2 You can leave the lights on

Think that if there’s even a smidge of light in the room it’ll all go horribly wrong? Are you in fact, so very worried you took the bus to Ikea for some blackout blinds in case your naked body somehow mutates into that of Jabba The Hutt? Fuggedabout it. Whoever is going to be having sex with you is going to be so feckin’ delighted to be getting some action the last thing they’ll be doing is judging you. And you know what we’re going to say to anyone who would dream of doing that, don’t you? They are a Jabba The Hutt of a person and don’t deserve you in the slightest. So now.

3 Your arse is grand. Honest.

It really is. The thing is that everyone hates their arse or thinks there’s something, anything that would make it nicer, rounder, peachier or perkier – even Karlie Kloss. Well, y’know, probably.

4 Accept the bits you can’t change

The pressure to be perfect is immense: we’re all clicking like on Insta pictures that are filtered to the nth degree and it’s difficult to tell what’s really real any more. That’s why we love Chrissy Teigen so much. She shows it all – from her hoo-ha at the VMAs to her stretchmarks on Snapchat, and she gives us wise words with it. “I come from a stretch mark-prone family — I have them all over my butt and inner thighs,” she’s revealed, along with the evidence. “Luckily, I’m with a man who could not care less about them or else I would be insecure,” she’s candidly added. The message? If Chrissy, a goddess of perfection with a glam squad on hand at the click of her fingers, can feel okay about having something most women loathe, and can do so under such intense media scrutiny, then we can too. Go, girlfriend.

5 Have the chats

We can all feel a little shy in the sack especially with a new partner, and chances are, he or she, is feeling exactly the same way you are – a bit insecure, a little nervous and possibly a bit hesitant too. What to do? Have a nice chat. Clothes are optional, but the pair of you need to be on the same page about your expectations, and yep, your nerves. That way, you’ll ensure you take things at a pace that overwhelms neither of you. Phew.

6 Focus on the feels

It’s so easy when you’re getting down to business to get side-tracked by thoughts like, “Oh god, I hope my boobs don’t slide into my armpits,” or, “fuck, when did I last shave my legs!?” but to combat that, try to focus on the sensation of what’s happening instead. That way, you’ll lose yourself in the moment and those bumpy bits will begin to seem, well, not at all important after all. Because they’re not.

7 Add a distraction

If you want to take the focus off you, then a toy or sexcessory could be just the trick. Coco de Mer’s pronged Nell Pleasure Seed Vibrator, £130, is fully waterproof so can be used in and out of the bedroom and has twin tips for precise stimulation. Not sure how to work it? You’ll have fun figuring it out together, huh?

This article first appeared in STELLAR’s January/February issue. Our March issue is on shelves now! 


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