Sh*t Talk: This Is What The Colour, Size And Smell Of Your Poo Says About You

So it’s not the most glamourous of topics, and we’ll do anything to avoid it coming up in conversation, but poo really is something that needs to be discussed.

After all, it’s a key indicator that something could be up with your health and it’s often the first thing to show signs that there’s a problem.

So next time you trot off for a number two, think before you flush and check to see if you notice any of the following…

It’s green

A healthy poo is usually brown in colour, thanks to bile in the liver which aids digestion, but occasionally you might notice that yours are looking a little green. This happens when food makes its way to your bowel a little quicker than its supposed to. (Typically it should take around two to three days from the time you eat until the time you go to the toilet, FYI.) Thankfully though, if your stools are looking a little jaded, it’s nothing to worry about and they should be back to normal the next time you visit the loo.

It smells really bad

A little bit of a stink is okay, but leaving the bathroom so fumigated that your housemates refuse to use it hours later isn’t. Seriously smelly stools can be a sign of anything from celiac disease to chronic pancreatitis, so if you’re regularly stinking out the bathroom it’s best to book in with your doc for a checkup.

It’s a floater

You’ve flushed and flushed again but still that little fecker won’t go down. The reason why some poop floats? It’s all down to excess gas, so if you’re worried about leaving a little, er, surprise in the office loo maybe just cut back on the beans, sprouts and cabbage for a bit.

It’s black

While a black stool can be a sign of something serious, it can also be a result of medications that contain iron of bismuth subsalicylate. On the more severe side, black stools can also indicate internal bleeding and in some cases be the result of an ulcer or cancer. As a rule of thumb, if there’s blood in your stools you should always consult your GP.

It’s bleedin’ massive

You just passed something the size of a small child, but according to the experts passing a ginormous poop isn’t anything to worry about. “We used to believe that size was indicative of a problem if the stool was ‘pencil-thin,’” says Bernard Aserkoff, MD, a doctor in the GI Unit at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston tells Web MD. “But recent research indicates that this is actually not true.” See? When it comes to poo, size really doesn’t matter.