‘Why Not Stick A Dartboard Up There As Well?’: Comedian Joanne McNally Gets Real About Designer Vaginas

@jomcnally has, shall we say, a *unique* take on things...

Women aren’t allowed to age, we all know that, so that’s why I constantly rub dead sea urchins into my face and wonder if I can stick my eyelids back up to where they once were. Men don’t panic like we do because somewhere along the line, someone decided they age ‘like a fine wine’, while we’re warned we’ll end up looking like an aul mattress left out in the rain, all lumpy and unlovable. We’re reassured there are some that will still find an old mattress attractive, but they’re seen as having a weird fetish, and people will snigger and judge and ask what it’s like to ride an old mattress.

So I lash on the creams and try to postpone my inevitable decline. But we all know, creams aren’t enough. Rubbing cream into a wrinkle is like trying to push a truck up a hill with a fish finger. What we really need are heavy duty scientific methods, we need NASA to discover some magic sludge on Venus that gives you the face of a child and probably also gills and multiple eyes. But once we figure those little hiccups out we’ll be flyin’. What’s the point of all this space travel if it’s not going to give us all the skin of a new born baby?

When asked who my ‘skin crush’ is, I always say gherkins. You can never tell a gherkin’s age. Their skin is taut and wrinkle free. Gherkins are timeless, like Sophia Loren. This is due to a protracted pickling process. Why aren’t women pickling themselves? I’d quite enjoy being suspended in a vat of vinegar for nine hours a day with a glass of prosecco and some meditative music playing in the background, and then I’d rise out of the vat, perfectly restored like in Death Becomes Her. I bet Oprah does it and she’s put a gag order on the pickling industry so no-one else can defy time like her, bitch.

A friend recently sent me the link to a product called ’18 Again’ which I assumed was another lying bastard face cream. The box said‘feel tight and wanted again’ which I thought a little close to the bone for a skin care product but whatever.

It was only when I read the blurb properly that I realised it was promising to make my vagina feel ‘18 again’. HOLD UP! Is my vagina ageing like my face? Are you telling me, all this time I’ve been pumping money into my face and my vag is decaying?!

Regular women like you and me are signing up to get their fannies shrank, their labias cut away, or the fat taken out of their vulvas

The‘vaginal shrinking cream’ explains that over time the vagina can become ‘saggy, loose and not as pleasurable for men during sex’. Ah I see. It’s advised I shrink my vagina for my male visitors. Why not stick a dartboard up there as well, and a games room. Anyway, how small will it shrink me? If I overuse it will I end up a grown woman with the vagina of a Borrower, capable of being penetrated by nothing other than a penis the size of a tic tac?

I hit up Google for more information and got lost in a sea of ‘designer vaginas’. I knew they existed but I’d never actually seen one. I looked down at my own high street vagina. Maybe I should look at jazzing it up, get a Nike tick on it or one of those Lacoste Alligators. I started clicking through to surgeon’s websites.

Regular women like you and me are signing up to get their fannies shrank, their labias cut away, or the fat taken out of their vulvas. Who knew you can store fat in your vulva? I’ve never heard anyone refuse a dessert menu with ‘I won’t thanks, it’ll go straight to my vulva’. I assumed this surgery was for the mad looking vaginas, but all the ‘before’ pictures were those of perfectly normal vaginas. The afters were awful, they looked like plastic moulds with zero character, shut up so tight you’d need a passcode to get in.

Screw that. If my vagina wants to age and let loose than so be it. Anyway, there’s perks to having an ageing vagina – maybe it’ll hopefully start forgetting all the embarrassing things I’ve done to it.

This article first appeared in STELLAR’s September issue. Our October issue is on shelves now for €1.95! Wanna subscribe? Click here