WTF! You Won’t Believe What Everyone At The Oscars Is Getting In Their $200,000 Gift Bags

We wish we could wrangle ourselves an invite to the Oscars, because word has it that this year, the goody bags, which are worth a whopping $200,000 (that’s around €180,000, FYI) are pretty damn deadly. Here’s what nominees can expect to find in their gift bags this year.

1. A vampire breast lift. Who would of thought the organisers would be so er, adventurous?! Remember the vajacula? Well, this is the same idea, only for your cleavage! A dermatologist basically draws blood from your bod and reinserts it back into your breasts. Apparently, this results in a perkier bust without surgery. Price tag: $1,900

2. An Arouser sex toy (for female nominees only). The lucky gals will receive a pricey “arouser” offering “gentle suction and stimulation” Er, we’d like two please. Price tag: $250

3. A Haze dual vaporiser. We don’t really see why this is included but hey, it worth a lot of money so obvs the celebs MUST have it. Price tag: $249.99

4. A life-time supply of skin cream from Lizora worth $31,000. Because the nominees don’t have enough money for skincare products, right? This one makes us seriously jel cos Lizora skincare products are 100% natural and guaranteed to make your skin look amaze. Boo. Price tag: $31,200

5. An ‘Ultimate Fitness’ package in a luxury private villa. We’d totes have that amaze bikini bod if we got training in our own private villa. Price tag: $6,250

6. A ten day trip to Israel. We know it’s first class and all but only ten day for the celebs? Poor show Oscars. We’re not being sarcastic, honest! Price tag: $55,000

7. A year of free car Audi rentals. We have to get the bus, Luas and Dart everywhere but yes, the celeb with ten cars definitely couldn’t live without this one. Price tag: $45,000

8. A 15-day walking tour of Japan. Again Oscars, only 15? Stop being so stingy, they should be getting a month at the very least. Price tag: $45,000

9. Laser skin tightening therapy. Considering every single person on the Oscars red carpet has flawless skin, surely they could give it to some of us who are more deserving, eh? Price tag: $5,530

10. Three private training sessions with instructor Jay Cardiello. The things we would do to get a training sesh with this guy and all they have to do is turn up to a star studded ceremony? Jealous, us? Pfft, never. Price tag: $1,400.

• The Oscars