I Can’t Believe It, But I Miss My Period

Periods are the worst.

I think that’s something we can all agree on. Whether you are literally bedridden for a few days every month, or you see your monthly bleed as just another inconvenience, no one actually likes their period. But unfortunately, it’s something we have to deal with.

Thanks to a little friend called Kyleena, I no longer have to worry about running out of tampons or waking up to blood stains in my bed. I don’t have to plan my holidays around when I am going to be the least hormonal. I don’t have to avoid wearing white at a certain point of the month.  I don’t have to freak out when I’ve missed a week. And yet, after years of struggling with stains, pains and pads I never thought I would actually say the words; “I miss my period.”

I was always very lucky when it came to my menstrual cycle. I was regular and on time for the most part. I had one or two bad days and the rest just slight discomfort. I never really had to stress about that one dreaded week of the month. With the help of some panadol and a hot water bottle, those five days just came and went.

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Since having a hormonal IUD (Intrauterine device) inserted a few years ago, my routine has changed massively. There were changes I was warned about by my GP but also some things that I didn’t expect. If you haven’t gotten an IUD before; here’s a little bit of background.

There are two forms of IUD, or coil; hormonal or copper. The copper coil can cause more severe bleeding and cramps, whereas the hormone coil often causes periods to become a lot lighter and in some cases stop completely. According to the HSE about 20% of people will stop physically bleeding completely within a year of having the hormonal coil inserted. This is because the hormonal coil releases progesterone to stop the lining of the uterus from thickening, and this way implantation can’t happen. But it also means there isn’t anything there to shed when that time of the month comes along.

This sounds amazing doesn’t it? There is a one percent chance of getting pregnant, I don’t have to remember to take a pill every day and I don’t have to worry about having a period anymore. It’s every woman’s dream.

But it’s not quite what it seems. After about 8 months of having an IUD, my periods completely stopped. But the mood swings, headaches and cramps continued as normal. Only this time I had no excuse as to why I would suddenly have no energy, skin breakouts and massive sugar cravings. As much as periods are inconvenient and painful, the actual act of bleeding is somehow cathartic.

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It’s not that I only miss bleeding for five days straight, to be honest I could actually do without that, but it’s the routine and knowledge that I am actually going through my hormonal cycle that I miss.

The physical bleed only takes up 5-7 days of the whole menstrual cycle.  Throughout the month there is also the ovulation, follicular and luteal phases. Hormones like progesterone, oestrogen and even testosterones are constantly fluctuating thoughout the cycle. So at certain points in the month you may need more sleep or protein than others.

Even though I don’t bleed anymore, my hormones still go through the same 28-ish day cycle that every other menstruating woman goes through. But I just don’t know where my hormones are right now. When cycle tracking, experts say to log the days when you have your period and from there you’ll be able to calculate what phase of the cycle you’re in, and therefore what state your hormones are in. Those five days of inconvenience are almost like a landmark, helping me map out the rise and fall of my hormones. Without my period I’m standing in a maze and I don’t which way to go.

It feels kind of unfair that I don’t have the same get out of jail free card anymore. Now every month I have no logical explanation for my pre ghost-period symptoms. I have a sore back; am I suppose to bleeding right now or is my posture just bad? I cry at a Supervalu advert; is my period in a few days or am I just overly emotional? I find every man that looks at me attractive; am I ovulating or am I desperate?

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I know my own body. So when I have some random body pains, or when I’m lacking in energy, I can guess that my hormones have changed. I have started to just give into my cravings and let myself take more rest time than I would normally need. But without a period to validate my choices I sometimes feel guilty for not being as productive as I should be. Even when my joints are aching and I’m getting “ghost cramps”, I feel like I should still go to the gym, meal prep, finish all my work and walk 10,000 steps a day before reading twenty pages of my book and meditating before bed. It feels as if I am making up my symptoms because I have nothing to physically show for it, when in reality my body is going through the same changes as every one else.

A period can be a universal experience. When someone asks me do I have spare tampon, with a hopeful look in her eye, and I have to say “no sorry”, I don’t feel good because I don’t have to worry about my period. I feel excluded! I miss the sense of community that we build around their menstrual cycles. Yes, we all have to suffer, but theres something in the way we’re suffering together; sharing experiences and empathising with one another.

I know I’m extremely lucky… I get to make the choice to not have a period. Having an IUD has made monthly maintenance so much cheaper and easier to handle. I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, and I will never ruin a pair of white jeans again.

But the truth is, sometimes I do miss the monthly reminder that I’m not an overly sensitive, emotional wreck – it’s just my period.

• bleeding
• hormone cycle
• hormones
• IUD
• Kyleena
• luteal phase
• menstrual cycle
• Period
• the coil