5 Arguments Every Couple Has – And No One Ever Wins

1. Your stuff does not belong on that chair

Wardrobes exist for a reason – to put your clothes into and away from prying eyes – and chairs in the corner of the bedroom exist, like cushions, just because. No, it doesn’t matter that we never sit in them. Be assured that those chairs are not for your dirty clothes. That’s what the laundry basket is for.

2. No, I do not need a hug right now

Sometimes, we just need a good cry. Y’know, after watching The Notebook; at that time of the month; or just because it’s Tuesday and we thought it was Wednesday so we could watch the Bake Off and it’s not even halfway through the week. Stop trying to hug me, and please stop asking me what’s wrong. HOW ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING THIS?!

3. Sure, we didn’t have concrete plans but what do you mean you’re going away for the weekend?

When you’re in a relationship – especially after a certain period of time, when assumptions can be made about Saturday brunch and reading the Sunday papers together – it can come as quite a shock when your other half suddenly announces that they have weekend plans. Sorry, what? It’s one thing to be all, “I told you – I’m going to Electric Picnic,” but quite another to drop a “lads’ weekend” bomb late on a Thursday afternoon. Yeah, of course you can hang out with your mates – but a bit of notice would be nice, and sorry, Blackpool?!

4. There is no such thing as football season

This is the biggest relationship lie of all. “Football is back!” Football is never back, because football never goes away. If you can at all, avoid dating someone with a keen interest in soccer. The ultimate warning sign is someone who follows football and plays football, too. That means you can pretty much guarantee you’ll be seeing each other once a week, and he’ll be checking Sky Sports on his phone throughout. Not acceptable.

5. What do you think I mean by ‘light-hearted’?

Ah, the weekly Friday-night movie tussle. What is it about men and Netflix that means a request for a “fun, light-hearted, thought-free movie” results in suggestions like, “What about this documentary about ivory poachers in the Congo?” Eh, NO, that is not what I mean. I want something fun and light-hearted. “How about 12 Years A Slave?” How about you sleep alone for the next fortnight? How about that?! #facepalm

• Dating
• Relationship