The Sexuality Education You Wish You Had

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By Dr Caroline Kelleher, lecturer in the Department of Health Psychology in RCSI and contributor to Debunking the Myths

Many of us can recall those ‘cringeworthy’ sexuality education classes we had to endure throughout our school years, perhaps when the teacher pushed in the dusty television set and video player on a trolley and the class gathered in a dimly lit room. An awkward silence ensued as we squirmed in our seats, with the occasional giggle or rude comment erupting from the back row. And then, the video itself: a clinical explanation of human reproduction, far removed from the complex realities of actual sexual and intimate relationships (unbeknownst to us!).

Traditionally, sexuality education has focused on avoiding negative adverse outcomes namely, protection against sexually transmitted infections and education about contraceptive methods to avoid unplanned pregnancy. While these are undoubtedly important, oftentimes absent from this – typically heterosexual, cisgender approach – were the critical knowledge and skills needed to create positive sexual relationships, such as healthy communication and problem solving, negotiating consent, setting and implementing boundaries and giving and receiving pleasure.

Beyond the biology: Pleasure and positive relationships

Conversations around sex and sexual health can often over focus on biology and anatomy. Often (whispered) conversations in school or in the home or with peers centred around all the reasons why we should not engage in sexual activity or all the bad things that might happen if we did. Many of us enter adulthood unprepared and at times confused about how to develop healthy sexual relationships and approach wider conversations about pleasure, consent and boundaries.

Up until pretty late in secondary school I thought ‘oral’ sex was talking about it – and I’m not sure what stopped me going home to my mother and telling her I had had oral sex that day in school.

Dr Caroline Kelleher

Sexuality education needs to be comprehensive, effective and inclusive. A pleasure-based approach to sexuality education has been shown to have positive impacts on traditional risk-reduction, cultivating healthy relationships, celebration of sexual diversity, exercise of sexual rights, empowerment, and consent, and prevention of gender-based sexual violence. By adopting a pleasure-based approach to education, young people can develop healthier relationships both with themselves and their partners helping them to identify preferences, boundaries, and desires.

More than the birds and the bees: Embracing the full spectrum of human experience

Historically sexuality education has been heteronormative – predominantly focusing on the sexual experiences and practises within cisgender, heterosexual relationships. The range of sexual orientations and gender identities that are part of our society and always have been, have remained ‘in the closet’ in sexuality education and it is time this changed. Young people need to feel visible, represented and supported in the education they receive and fully aware of the knowledge and taught skills they will need to explore their sexuality in a health, safe and consensual way.

Understanding concepts like gender identity and expression, along with the spectrum of sexual orientation, from a young age is vital for fostering empathy and respect. It’s about recognising that someone’s gender identity might not align with the sex they were assigned at birth and that attraction exists on a spectrum beyond simply male and female. This knowledge helps create a more inclusive and understanding environment for everyone.

Consent is not just a box to tick

The concept of consent was barely a whisper in sexual education years ago, and we have only had a legal definition of it since 2017. This meant that many of us entered relationships not fully aware of our right to consent or how to even negotiate it – it simply wasn’t presented as an essential and ongoing conversation within the context of any relationship, sexual or not.

Teaching young people about the parameters of consent – that it can be withdrawn at any time, that silence doesn’t equal agreement, and that pressure or coercion undermines genuine consent – is paramount. One concept I wish I had learned earlier in life is – a ‘No’ is a no to the activity, not necessarily to you – this would have been a game changer. The idea that when someone (or you) says ‘No’ in an intimate situation, that it is not always a personal rejection. Many times, in order to avoid experiencing rejection or shame, we may have remained silent. This knowledge takes away some of the personalised rejection we can sometimes feel and empowers individuals to advocate for themselves and respect the boundaries of others, fostering healthier and safer relationships.

Photo by Tim Samuel / Pexels

And while consent in intimate relationships is critical, learning about consent should start long before in early childhood. And no, I don’t mean teaching young children about sexual consent, but instead teaching them about respecting personal boundaries, their own and others, body autonomy and listening to their own instincts in situations. In everyday life this might look like not forcing them to hug a family member or shake someone’s hand and supporting them to say no in other situations where they do not feel comfortable. Instilling these practices in early childhood years will pave the way for healthier behaviours in later life and to support younger people to develop healthy boundaries.

Why didn’t they teach me that? Rethinking sexuality education for a new generation

We have to do better. Responsibility for redefining sexual health education doesn’t lie with one person, organisation or group, but rather a collective effort that we need to make to enhance conversations.

For parents, it is about providing a safe space for your children to speak about these topics, gently letting them know that you are here to listen and support them. You may not know the right thing to say or answer to all questions, but creating a supportive environment at home is a strong first step. In friend groups, we should be encouraging open and honest conversations about sexuality, sharing experiences and insights to shift the dial on this conversation. Educators can support by directing students to reputable online resources to find about more about various topics. And thankfully these efforts are happening in our communities too such as the We-Consent campaign by Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, the Active * Consent campaign in Irish universities by University of Galway and the Debunking the Myths programme by the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland.

While we can’t turn back time and rewrite our own experiences, we can advocate for the kind of comprehensive sexuality education that benefits all young people. Think of the sexuality education that you wish you had when you were younger and try to create an environment to provide young people today with access to better information than previous generations had.

To find a suite of education videos, visit the Debunking the Myths TikTok account @debunkingmyths and Instagram @DebunkingMyths. Debunking the Myths is funded by Taighde Éireann – Research Ireland and supported by the Rotunda Hospital and The Rotunda Foundation.

• Sex Education