Real Talk 10th December 2020 by Stellar Magazine

In A Sex Rut? Here’s How To Keep Things Fresh In A Long Term Relationship

Sex life feeling a bit predictable? Here are some tips to get it back on track.

 

Once upon a time you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You could easily manage sex three times in one session and you knew exactly what to do to push each other’s buttons. It was exciting, and each time your clothes came off you knew you were going to discover something new about your partner’s sexual preferences that you didn’t already know.

But now, with your relationship in its cosy, secure stage – and Netflix nights your date of choice – things aren’t quite as hot and passionate as they used to be. Your sexual desire is lagging and when you do have sex it’s pretty predictable. Like a road map to orgasm, you and your SO have a tried and tested routine that’s been well practiced and executed, and sure, it gets the job done, but it’s not exactly knock-your-socks-off exciting, is it?

So what can you do to make sex in a long term relationship less mundane and more ‘multiples’?

Build the anticipation

Spontaneous sex is great, but sometimes, thanks in part to our super busy lifestyles these days, you just gotta take the bull by the horns and schedule in that romp in the sack. Get your SO to lock in a date in his iCal and then get excited about it. Plan what you’re going to do, talk about it in explicit detail and sext each other beforehand to build the excitement. It works for Katie, 32, and her husband. “We set aside a night every fortnight solely dedicated to having sex, and we’ll send each other naughty messages about what we’re going to do to each other the whole day through,” she explains. “By the time he gets home from work, we’re raring to go.”

Make solo sex a team sport

Research says most couples are masturbating alone, and while there’s nothing wrong with getting down to it on your lonesome, inviting your partner into your solo play can really teach both of you a lot about the kind of things you’re into and how you like to be touched. Grab your partner the next time the urge is upon you, and invest in a few visual aids along the way. Xconfessions.com is a great female and couple-friendly porn site to get you started.

Initiate it

Always expect your fella to make the first move or reckon it’s the man’s job to do the seducing? Put your expectations to one side, step out of your comfort zone and let your partner know that you’re hot for them if you want to break out of your routine. Also try switching up the respective roles each of you play in the sack. Is he more of a giver and you a receiver? Trade places every now and again for a bit of variety.

Dress up…

And not just in the bedroom. Remember when you first started dating and you’d wear your best clothes, take extra care with your make-up and sprtiz on your fave perfume for date night with your beau? There’s something super sexy about two people who want to look their absolute best for each. “On date nights, I crack out a figure-hugging dress I feel great in and my boyfriend wears this suit he knows I love him in,” says Stephanie, 29. “It’s just another way of showing that we appreciate one another, and we both usually feel so confident, that the sex afterwards is amazing too.”

Let go of your tried and testeds

So long, missionary! It’s time to forget the worn-out moves you have on standby and instead turn sex into a fun challenge by opting to road test a different position every time you’re getting down to it. Stuck for ideas? Look to the Kamasutra. The big book is packed full of illustrated sex positions and there’s even a Kamasutra app you can download for inspiration too.

Have a relationship NCT

Look, it’s not always about what moves you have in your sex arsenal, sometimes it’s about addressing what’s going on in your relationship. Got a niggling doubt that you need to communicate with your SO? Do it. Feeling a smidgen under appreciated? Let them know. Reckon you just need to reconnect? Easy, book a trip or take up a hobby together to recreate the magic. “About once a month my husband and I sit down and have a relationship NCT of sorts. We address any concerns we have and get everything out in the open, and afterwards we’ll reward ourselves with cuddle time and a bottle of wine,” says Megan, 36. “Funnily enough, our sex life has improved exponentially since we started doing that.”

Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint

The really great thing about long term relationships is that they build intimacy and you get to know your partner inside out, but it’s really easy to stop investing in each other’s pleasure and to get into the habit of only having quickies before bed or work in the morning. Instead, give it the time it deserves. Spend a lazy Sunday between the sheets and slow everything down. Draw sex out, get reacquainted with what you both love, and spend more time on foreplay. Hell, even set a timer if you need to.

Take it outside the bedroom

Sick and tired of having sex in that same old room, on that same old mattress, week in, week out? Oh, we hear ya, sister. Do it somewhere different to reignite that fire. “My boyfriend and I made a commitment to do it in a different room of the house every time we have sex,” says Denise, 31. “My favourite so far? The cold tiles on the bathroom floor.” Variety is the spice of life, after all.

Ride it out

Here’s the really great news: experiencing peaks and troughs in your sexual desire throughout the course of your relationship is all completely normal. Communicate with your partner, and take things slow until you get your groove back.

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