LGBTQ+ Families On The Joys Of Parenthood – And The Struggles They Still Face In Ireland

Katie and Jo, and little Sonny

Katie and Jo are a two-mum family living in Wicklow. They have an 18-month-old son called Sonny as well as a five-year-old dog named Alfie. They got married during the pandemic in August 2020, although they had originally planned a wedding of about 150 people, due to Covid 19 restrictions they had to keep things small. The following year in September 2021, Jo gave birth to Sonny.

“We both knew we wanted children and actually the pandemic really helped us decide what was the most important path for us for our future. In June 2020 we were writing texts to send to our wedding guests to tell them we had to cancel our wedding, as tears were shed we stopped and asked each other what was the most important thing going forward? We both agreed that getting married and having a wedding wasn’t as important as having a family so we got the ball rolling then on our IVF journey.

“I (Jo) always knew I wanted to carry and birth a baby and Katie fully supported this. I think we’re lucky in that way because we didn’t have to figure out yet another thing on the path to becoming parents. We went straight for IVF and we were so lucky to have a successful first round. Our dream came true on Christmas day 2020 when I got a positive pregnancy test. The best part about being a parent for us, is seeing the world through a whole new set of eyes.

“Every day is a new opportunity for fun. Even the most average everyday things like going to the shop or walking the dog can be an adventure. That, and having a tiny pal who thinks you’re the funniest person in the world!

“There are definitely a lot of misconceptions still when it comes to same-sex parenting. Especially around the legal issues. A lot of people think that the marriage referendum solved everything for same-sex couples but unfortunately that’s not the case. It wasn’t until we began the process of starting our family that we realised just how much the current legislation falls short. We have had some very funny encounters over the years as a same-sex couple. I like to kind of wait in the awkward silence of people’s presumptions about our family but it has always been from a place of love.

“I’m sure people talk about us and think that maybe there may be something lacking in our family without a male figure in the household but I hope we prove to them every day that all families need is love, patience, wine and snacks! The gender of the parents never matters. Not everybody understands how we form our families, how IVF works, how sperm donations work and it is not your job to educate them.

“Focus on yourselves at the start. I felt like it was my responsibility to educate people about how our family was formed and how they should treat us. That’s not your job. Remember that love is the most important thing you can show your child, showing love and compassion to these curious people will help too.”

Séamus and Ludovico, and daughter Maisie

Séamus and Ludovico met back in 2007 and have been together ever since. They celebrated their civil partnership in March 2014 and were finally married in March 2016, post marriage equality referendum in Ireland.

“We always knew we wanted to be parents, and researched both surrogacy and adoption. We decided to go ahead with adoption and made an application to adopt via inter country adoption in 2017. After being assessed by Tusla, we received our Declaration of Eligibility and Suitability from the Adoption Authority of Ireland in July 2019. After a failed adoption in September 2020, our hopes of becoming parents began to dwindle, but in August 2021, our little baby girl, Maisie, was born!

“We flew straight to the USA to meet her and returned to Ireland with her in November 2021 on Thanksgiving day. She is almost two now and she is our biggest and best achievement to date! Watching Maisie grow is the best part of being a parent. We love watching how her clever little mind figures things out and develops. She makes us so proud every single day. We have only ever been met with interest and questions about the process of same-sex parenting. Nobody has ever made a bad comment to us (yet anyway!) and this seems to be the experience of most LGBTQ+ couples we speak with.

“Others in our position just need to keep the faith. Trust the process. Have patience. It will come. It’s challenging and extremely painful at times, but SO worth it in the end. But unfortunately, when it comes to the government there’s still a lot left to be desired when it comes to same-sex parents. Surrogacy is extremely limited in options for same-sex couples and the government are currently proposing legislation that will make the already limited options even more restricted.

“Adoption is not open to all, for example if you have a medical condition, you will not be approved by the Adoption Authority of Ireland. If the government keeps further restricting options for the LGBTQ+ community, we’ll soon quickly run out of options to become parents.”

Ranae and Audrey, and daughters Ava and Arya 

Ranae and Audrey have been together for almost 15 years. They met in college and immediately knew they were meant for each other. They started the IVF process in 2015 and have been lucky enough to welcome two beautiful daughters as a result.

“We used Audrey’s eggs and donor sperm to create embryos and then I became pregnant. At the time of our fertility treatment, we weren’t allowed to do this process of Reciprocal IVF in Ireland and so we were forced to travel abroad. Ava was born in 2016 and Arya in 2018. We started trying for a third baby late last year and I am currently in the early stages of pregnancy again, after having a miscarriage in March. So we will hopefully be a family of 5 (or 6) next year!

“We live in Dublin where my wife is currently a stay-at-home parent and I am a marketing manager for Thérapie Fertility. I’m also the CEO of the non-profit,Equality for Children which we help to found in 2019. Becoming a parent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s also the greatest privilege and joy of my life. There is nothing more important to me in my life than our children and they are the single thing I am proudest of in my life.

“It’s incredible to see our children’s personalities develop and to help them navigate the world, encouraging them to be kind and empathetic little people. It’s also crazy to see the mini versions of ourselves.

“The most challenging part, aside from the sleep deprivation, has been the lack of basic protections for our family. When our first daughter was born, I had to register as a single parent, and Audrey was a legal stranger to our baby. That was more difficult than I can put into words, knowing that your much wanted, loved and planned baby was being left unprotected purely because of the sex of her parents.

“We were in the same situation again when our second child was born. In 2021, after many long years of campaigning and fighting for change, Audrey was finally recognised as a parent to our children in a Dublin court. However, when our next child is born, we will be in the same situation again and have no choice but to fight this again. Ireland has a very positive attitude towards same-sex parents. We have only ever encountered support and excitement for our little family.

“The main misconception I still see is that same-sex families are treated equally post Marriage Equality, which unfortunately is not true. The biggest challenge our families have, aside from the financial burden of fertility treatments, is the lack of protections for our families. Less than half of LGBTQ+ families are currently protected by the law. The families that are unprotected are essentially seen as ‘less than’ and their children bothered because of the sex of their parents and the manner in which they were conceived or born.

“This is the number one most important thing that our government needs to do for LGBTQ+ families; ensure that no family is left in limbo, and no child is denied the right to a legal connection with their parents.”

This article originally appeared in the July/August 2023 issue of STELLAR magazine. 

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• lgbtq+
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