‘Sweat Patches On My Hole’: Dublin Girlo Is Unable To Cope With This Heat
The struggle is real.
Girls, I am melting. Melting doesn’t even cover it. Parts of my body are sweating that I didn’t even know could sweat! There is no place like Ireland in the sunshine, but in all seriousness how are we supposed to go about our day to day lives without a can permanently in our hands and our arses covered?
As I type this I am sitting at my desk with a fan pointed at each side of my body, my €35 curly blow dry looks like I have been dragged across a dancefloor by the extensions. Every day in work I have been positioning myself directly over air vents in meetings just to make sure I don’t have a sweat patch on my hole when I finally stand up and by 5pm my foundation has melted off my face and I look like I just rolled out of bed. This heat wave is snow joke huns – here’s how I have been struggling to cope.
When it’s over 20 degrees ‘smart casual’ should be against the law. For the last few weeks I have been wearing dresses, skirts and playsuits into the office that I would normally only wear on a night out and to be honest Huns I am running out of options that actually cover my arse. There is something about wearing a dress, in Ireland, legs out, tan on, into work that just feels wrong.
But after a day of having to get my ma to help me take my tights off because they were stuck to me I swore I would embrace it and I hope you all are too. Unless you are like one of the geebags in the canteen in my place who throw the “who the fuck does she think she is” eyes at me every time I walk in. They are legs Hun, stop hating me because mine are nicer than yours. Its 30 degrees outside, get the f*ck over it!
The chub rub
The struggle is real. I have a big arse which means I have big hips and thighs and I swear to god every time I try to separate them in this weather it reminds me of pulling Velcro part. Wet Velcro at that. Talc is my new best mate and if you have none, throw a bit of dry shampoo up there instead.
The tan struggle
I am a firm believer of faking it until I make it and when the first day of this heat wave was predicted I thought I would get ahead of the game and apply a layer of Ultra Dark tan to give me that natural glow for when I actually got the legs out.
Four days later of melting to death in my room in the middle of the night and it is safe to say my tan looks like someone threw shit at me and only managed to get around my knees and elbows. I can’t throw more tan on top of shit tan and I can’t go out without tan on either. DO YOU SEE THE STRUGGLE HUNS.
It’s not just on my back, at this stage of the heat wave it is everywhere. I am trying to protect my skin from the UVAs and the UVBs so why is it punishing me by absorbing all the sun cream and clogging every single pore I have?
I moan about the rain all winter long but I am officially moaning about the sun. My feet look like I am pregnant (I most definitely am not) and the restless sweaty nights are taking a toll on my eye bags. Throw in the high pollen count on top of that and I am slowly but surely starting to resemble the elephant man. Not to mention all the extra calories I am drinking and eating because what else would you be doing in this weather. I will be wearing a Homer Simpson style Moo Moo by the time the rain returns.
Stay Stunnin’ (or at least try), Huns.
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