You Shouldn’t Be Faking Your Orgasms, And Here’s Why
You’ve heard of the pay gap but have you heard of the orgasm gap?
Did you know that national orgasm day is July 31st? While it might feel silly to dedicate an entire day to tipping over the edge, it’s actually quite an important conversation to open up.
A study carried out in 2019 by Kinkly.com found that 87% of female readers and 69% of male readers have faked an orgasm at least once in their life. That’s a hell of a lot of faking, and we’re left wondering – why? Just as we saw in When Harry Met Sally, any woman can fake an orgasm if she just tries hard enough, but does that mean we still should?
For Psychosexual Therapist Audrey Casey McCormack, she says that faking an orgasm is not something she recommends. “I strongly advise partners who are regular fakers to stop immediately, even if they don’t want to admit to faking it up to this point it’s still really important to stop faking. The bottom line is that it’s never good to fake it because the intimate foundation of your relationship is being built on deceit and that foundation is much harder to rebuild than finding a way to relax into sex with a new partner.”
It’s clear to see that faking an orgasm can only have a negative impact on a new and intimate relationship with someone, so it leaves the question, why do we do it then? The boring answer is, there are many different reasons why. The reasons for faking it can range from wanting the deed to be over, to protecting your partner’s feelings from being hurt. Working with couples to improve their relationships and intimacy on a regular basis, Audrey says that she’s seen and heard it all, and shares some of the most common reasons she comes across for faking climax. “Faking it could be about control, where the person faking takes on this performative role because they want their partner to feel they are getting it right and that they are really enjoying it so that the end belief is that they’ve had great sex together.”
She continues: “When couples come for therapy and faking it has been an issue, the partner who has been faking often justifies the lie by saying, ‘I just wanted you to really enjoy it and feel that I was too, because I was enjoying it but it takes me longer to relax properly with someone new’”, explains Audrey. Here, we see the common mistake of catering to your partner’s feelings instead of being open and honest from the get-go. Much like giving a dog a bone after they’ve just teared up the couch, Audrey often sees people begin an intimate relationship based on faking intimacy. The mindset of thinking ‘just this once won’t hurt’ can be a slippery road to go down, as you can quickly find yourself months down the line without an orgasm in sight because you’ve sent positive queues to your partner for actions that don’t do much for you.
You’ve heard of the pay gap but have you heard of the orgasm gap? Studies have found that heterosexual women are the demographic having the least orgasms. Through this research, the term ‘Orgasm Gap’ was coined, which describes the inequality in orgasms between heterosexual couples. It seems that for many straight couples, men seem to be getting their rocks off a lot more than women are, leaving some relationships in jeopardy.
But sure, women’s anatomy is just more complicated, right? It’s normal for females not to reach climax? Wrong. As it turns out, that mindset is only adding to orgasm inequality, instead of bridging it. The number one reason for the orgasm gap is lack of education and understanding of the female anatomy. This means that not coming is actually a cultural issue and not a biological one as we’ve been conditioned to think all this time. Women’s orgasms are not harder to make happen than a man’s, we just think they are. Of course, it’s not up to heterosexual women to close the gap, we do enough of that as it is, but rather our sexual partner’s jobs to educate themselves on female intimacy instead.
But, there is one thing we can do to give the equality a kickstart, and that’s giving up the faking. Although it might seem tempting to pull out all the stops, Audrey explains the damage it can do to a relationship in the long run, “Interestingly, faking orgasms initially builds intimacy as both partners feel very close and there is a sense of connection through a common completed goal, although the person who’s faking obviously knows they are faking they still feel the benefit of the closeness built through the connection.
The problem inevitably shows up when the faker can’t maintain the same level of performance or loses interest in the unfulfilling sex.” If you’ve been giving the odd Oscar-worthy performance up until now, don’t fret too much because it’s never to late to retire from the stage. “I strongly advise partners who are regular fakers to stop immediately”. Before coming clean, Audrey advises you take a look inward, coming to a conclusion on why you might have been faking it all this time, “I think you need to get very clear in your own head first about why you have been faking it and not only deceiving your partner but not giving yourself permission to take as much time as you need to climax or communicate what you really need from sex. I would be asking questions around shame and how deserving you feel of pleasure and fun,” Audrey says.
If you’re worried you might have took it too far and don’t want to admit to your partner that you’ve been faking it all this time, Audrey says that you can drop the act and tell them that “something has changed and you’ve lost your mojo and need to try new ways to reach climax”.
From there, you can build up your intimate relationship from a place of fun rather than fear, “It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it can be an adventure into experimenting sexually and it can be framed in a way that has the potential to build on the intimacy already established.” Many experts recommend learning what gets you going alone. Figuring out how to make yourself orgasm is the best way to help your partner. This will take the pressure off and allow you to enjoy yourself in the moment with your partner. Audrey concludes “My advice is to relinquish control, take your time, communicate your needs, don’t put any pressure on yourself and save your performance for tik tok or any more appropriate, less damaging venue,”
Have your say