10 Signs You Have PMS* (That’s Pre-Monday Syndrome, FYI)

1.The thought of putting on make-up in the morning upsets you. You wonder what foundation undertakers use, because in a few hours you’re going to be strobing your corpse self.

2.You order a takeaway with the noble intention of saving half of it for lunch tomorrow. But then you remember you have work in a few hours, so you fill the void with all the sweet and sour chicken. And all the rice. And some cheeky starters.

3.While scrolling through Instagram at 1am – just another five minutes, you pinkie swear – you start to have, “Why didn’t I become a blogger?” thoughts. Their Monday mornings seem to consist of taking filtered photos of a white duvet. What can’t we all have that? What detergent are they all using?

4.Even the fleeting thought of soaking oats makes you groan-cry.

5.Topless Ryan Gosling gifs aren’t helping. Neither are Tom Hardy Holding Dogs photos. What about pics of Tom Hiddleston’s butt?

6.You think about praying.

7.You stare at the contents of your fridge and wonder how to give yourself mild food poisoning. They type that gets you a day-off, not a trip to an Irish ER.

8.All those smug social media posts from people who spent their Sunday hiking, roasting a rack of lamb and organising their wardrobe make you question your worth as a person. Why didn’t you write The Great Irish Novel and wear a Barbour coat to brunch? Instead you watched at least three hours of shipper videos inspired by The Vampire Diaries and made lots of non-avocado toast.

9.The thought of assembling an outfit is ageing you. You wonder if yoga pants are an acceptable work outfit yet? Is sports luxe an actual thing, or did magazines make that up? What if you pretend to everyone you did yoga before work?

10.Your sensible housemate is in her pyjamas by half-nine and making her way to bed, and while that makes sense, you’re thinking: “Why would I sleep the night before facing a firing squad?”

This article first appeared in STELLAR’s May issue. The October issue is on shelves now!