3 Reasons Why Sun, Sea & Sand Sex Are Really Bad Ideas This Summer

So you're off to sunny shores with your significant other and on the menu (here's hoping!) is gonna be a lot of getting busy. Maybe don't try any of these...

Couple kissing on a beachIt’s super-easy to imagine love al fresco is possibly the most romantic thing going. After all, one of the most iconic movie images ever is that of Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr snogging in the surf in From Here to Eternity. So getting busy on the beach has got to be a winner, surely?

Eh, maybe not. We’ve got three stories that might just change your mind about bonking in the brine.

Ailbhe, 22, got a lick-out – on a beach

I was away in France with my folks when I was about 15 and had met this guy I totally fancied – in hindsight he was a total weed, but he was tall and gangly and brought to mind the kind of teenager who probably played guitar and had ambitions of being in a band. He’d a skateboard, if that helps illustrate the point.

We’d hooked up a couple of times in our tents; we were staying in the same campsite with our parents, although mine had a camper van so my tent was easier to get some alone time in – and then one night we were down on the beach for a party. My friend and I’d hitch hiked there with this French driver who, in hindsight, was definitely off his head and ran over at least three traffic cones en route.

That sandy crotch was 100% worth that beautiful, beach-side experience.

Me and yer man wandered off down the beach and ended up indulging in some, eh, oral pleasures (me not him, which is unusual even now I think). It was my first lick-out, and I was so baffled and amazed by the whole process that it didn’t occur to me to consider what would happen when I sat up. So I didn’t think to pull my knickers up first, and ended up with a damp muff full – and I mean full – of sand.

I had to immediately go and have a shower in one of the beach-side showers – I mean, OMG it was everywhere – and it was sooo gritty. If I think about it now, years later, I can still feel it. But you know, that sandy crotch was 100% worth that beautiful, beach-side experience, though I will concede that, were I to do it again, I’d pull my knickers up first, for convenience sake.

Claire, 27, got burned while getting busy

Me and my boyfriend were in South East Asia backpacking, and we’d been doing it on the total cheap, staying in those awful hostels in those horrible big shared rooms, so it’s safe to say we hadn’t had a lot of privacy to get the ride in and we were a bit desperate.

When we headed out to one of the smaller islands, we decided to hell with it and got one of those on-the-beach private huts. I mean, it was still pretty basic – a bit of rattan between us and the elements – but we weren’t sharing it, and it had a little verandah bit that wasn’t overlooked either.

We both had the weirdest stripey burns from the way we’d been lying and trying to explain them away, for the next week or so was mortifying.

So that’s when I got my big bright idea. I decided this would be perfect for us to have some super-fun outdoor sex, something we’d never forget, and all that kind of nonsense. Oh, we never forgot it alright: we had the ride, fell fast asleep and woke up a couple of hours later, the pair of us burned to a crisp.

I mean, it was really bad. He’d taken the worst of it, but we both had the weirdest stripey burns from the way we’d been lying and trying to explain them – and the sheer bloody agony – away, for the next week or so was mortifying. I don’t think I’ve ever gone through as much aftersun and aloe cream in my life, and at one point I thought we’d have to go to the hospital it was so bad. I can laugh it off now but at the time… oh mega cringe.

These Italians got suctioned together while riding in the sea

Remember the tale in October 2014 of the Italian couple in Porto San Giorgio who had to be rescued from their, er, romantic encounter in the ocean?

Thanks to suction, he got stuck inside her – a phenomenon known as ‘penis captivus’ (no sniggering), they had to hail down a passerby who (no doubt dying to roar laughing) kindly donated a towel, and following that, the pair were taken to hospital where the woman was administered an an injection that’s actually used to dilate the uterus of pregnant women.

It did the trick and one became two once more. #scarlet

Have you got a mortifying sex ‘n’ holiday tale? We wanna hear it! Email info@stellar.ie with the gory goodies.