7 (New) Ways To Be A Social Media Bore

Uh-oh – if you thought Vaguebooking and Subtweeting were the pinnacle of poxy online carry-on, we've got news for you.

Beyonce using her phone

So disappointed and let down with you-know-who right now.” Oh, we’re all familiar with this attention-seeking Facebook status, designed purely for an avalanche of “Oh no, hope you’re okay, hun,” responses. But if you thought that was as bad as it gets, think again. Oh boy, think again…

1 Instaclipsing

No judgement (well, not much), because we’ve all done this one. It’s when you snap ‘n’ post a picture of yourself in which you look OMGfabuous and your pal, well, not so much. In fact, she kind of looks like a hound, but you don’t care because the camera caught you at the optimum angle and you look a lil’ bit like Kim K… well, a small, tiny bit. Are you a bad person? Yes, you are. And Karma’s going to bite you back with a horrific double-chinned selfie, shared on multiple social channels from said friend any day now. Mwhahahah!

2 Selfiesession

“Nah,” you think, “just one more selfie can’t hurt, can it?,” as your Insta account celebrates its 4,000th narcissistic posting of the week, each one bedazzled with more layers of X-Pro II and apps like Facetune than the Ha’Penny Bridge has filler after its annual paint job. So who’s actually liking them? Your mum, your granny, your sister, your mates and all those people who hate-follow you for the LOLs. Oh dear. Yep, maybe you might want to tone that down – just a tad.

3 Subsnapping

New since Snapchat took off, this picks up where Subtweeting left off, and is the sister of another mister, basically. Where Subtweeting has its cowardly roots in bitching about someone but not adding their @username into the convo, it’s often still possible to find out about it because of Twitter’s search function. Snapchat? Not so easy, and because snaps disappear after a day, the temptation to Subsnap about all and sundry in the Snapchat community is rife. But you’ll be found out, mark our words…

4 Postjacking

You’ve posted about something on one of your social sites – a social or political issue dear to your heart, let’s say – and you want to get your message across. In the comments, two of your mates start a discussion about something completely random that happened on Saturday when they were locked which is clearly totally unconnected to the message at hand. Ugh, so annoying! Are you a postjacker? Own up – and stop it immediately!

5 The tagathon

#blessed #member #fitgam #paleo #cleaneating #diets #chanel #fashion #ss16 #instadaily #goals – yup, we’ve all got a mate or two who reckons they’ll ace their social media strategy by just adding 49 of the most popular tags into each and every image they post, even if it’s a pic of their brunch eggs or cat, which clearly have absolutely no relation whatsoever to seasonal trends or Chanel. Or, how about the mate – or rando brand – who insists on tagging you on pics and posts that have absolutely nothing to do with you? Rage. Inducing.

6 So long, farewell…

…Aufweidersen, goodbyeeeeeeee. “I’d just like to say that I’m leaving Facebook because it’s all just a big waste of my time and I’m sick of all your cat and baby pictures.” Yep – we’ve all had a good chuckle at this one, eh? Look bro, it’s grand. Off you pop – no one cares, so if you’re expecting an outpouring of grief, you’re on a hiding to nothing. Not to mention that it’s kinda insulting to the rest of us who do like cat and baby pictures, but this is clearly just a big, massive cry for attention in the first place. Deny.

7 It’s all about meeeee

Something, somewhere happens, and this person is absolutely determined that they’re gonna find a way to make it about themselves. In truth, this behavior is generally totally un-selfaware and if you pointed it out, they’d probably be mortified. But posts likening that time they went hiking around the Ring Of Kerry and it was a bit rainy and miserable to the plight of the refugees fleeing from Syria are enough to get us banging our head off the desk at the sheer cluelessness of it all. Just no. Not everything needs a commentary, okay?

This article first appeared in the March issue of the mag. STELLAR’s September issue is on shelves now!

STELLAR September 2016 Cover

Tags:

Have your say

More like this