‘If He Can’t Make You Come He’s Not The One’: Dublin Girlo On Everything She’s Learned About Being A Hun

There is nothing like Facebook memories popping up on your timeline to make you laugh, cringe and wonder how your mates ever let you leave the gaff dressed like that. Shite fringes and florescent coloured bead necklaces, peace and pouting in front of your webcam in your ma’s sitting room and pics of your significant other who you thought you couldn’t live without to remind you how naive and innocent you were, how you thought you knew everything and how much you still had to learn about life.

I joined the Book of Faces when I was 18, so you can only imagine the memories that pop up on my feed every few days from albums with 400 pictures that were uploaded every Monday morning. As I look back on my old selfies I can’t help but be reminded of what I have learned since, how many times I’ve bawled my eyes out over things I thought were important at the time and how much time I wasted worrying about the wrong things or with the wrong people. I would give anything to go back and have a good chat with my 20 year old Bebo Stunnah self over a vodka and blackcurrant and set her straight and here’s all the things I’d tell her.

1.       Hair is going to grow in places you never ever thought it would or could and laser hair removal is the best investment you will ever make.

2.       Do not and I repeat DO NOT pluck that odd long hair dangling off the side of your face. 5 of its mates will turn up at his funeral.

3.       Yellow blonde hair is not a good look……on Any Hun.

4.       You are not losing friends Hun, you are just finding out who your real ones are.

5.       Phone calls at half 2 in the morning to see if you are out are not romantic! It’s the beer and his semi telling ya he loves you, not him.

6.       Relationships shouldn’t be hard at the start. If you have to work hard from day one it is not going to work.

7.       If he wanted to text he would. Even if he was on a desert island with no phone or at a rave locked out of his mind and couldn’t remember his own name he’d still find a way to let you know he was thinking about you if he really wanted to.

8.       Your vagina is not ugly. Mine’s no oil painting now don’t get me wrong but whose is. Love it, it has magical powers, or so I have been told.

9.   If he can’t make you come he’s not the one, Hun.

10.   It’s not your fault he’s an arsehole. So stop spending so much time wondering what you did wrong or why he changed his mind. The answer is because he’s an arsehole.

11.   Don’t dye your hair when you feel confused about life, you’ll hate it 10 minutes later and will spend a fortune you don’t have trying to fix it.

12.   Wear whatever the fuck you want. In work or on nights out, you do you Hun!

13.   Put down the cans of coke and drink some fucking water, You will thank me when you’re 30!

14.   Someone you thought never would is going to break your heart so badly one day that you’ll feel like you are dying. It will take some time but you will fine Hun.

15.   Life if full of c**ts and sometimes you’re not going to be able to help being surrounded by them. Don’t let them turn you into one.

16.   Stop waiting on your mates to do all the stuff you want to do, they aren’t waiting for you.

17.   Think before you send those pics – we all do it, and if you are going to send the odd tit pic make sure your face, your username and your unique tattoos are not included. You can’t always trust the dick that got you in the mood to take the picture.

18.   Stop worrying about your age, it is just a number baby girl.

19.   He’s never going to leave her, no matter how many times he tells you he is.

My older sisters tried to bate half of the above into me when I was 20, preaching their life lessons on to me hoping I wouldn’t do the same and then rolling their eyes to the Gods when I did it all anyway.  But you are only 20 once and you can’t learn from your f*ck ups until you make some, and we all know I have made a fair few.

Stay Stunnin’ Huns.

This article first appeared in STELLAR’s October issue. Our November issue is on sale now for just €1.95!