Is Having A Boyfriend Cringe Now?

For centuries, women’s value and societal worth all depended on their ability to find a partner, specifically a male partner. Historically, a woman’s entire future hung on whether or not she found a suitable husband who could provide for her. Not only did it determine her financial security, but it also gave her a respectable place in society. Women who did not marry were shunned and often left alone or destitute. Today, women are obviously a lot less financially dependent on men, however being in a heterosexual relationship still puts you on a kind of societal pedestal. There are certain things that are expected of you – and have been expected of women for a long time. 

However, as we become less and less dependent on men, the need for a boyfriend is becoming more trivial everyday. Most of us are probably familiar with that tiny but significant feeling of shame that came with being single. Even as young girls, the idea of “never finding love” implied that there was something wrong with you, that you were failing to do something that is required of you as a woman. Even in the modern day, many of us still haven’t fully freed ourselves from the shackles of equating our self worth with our appeal to men. And after an entire history of that very appeal basically being a woman’s means for survival, it’s understandable that those feelings still linger. 

But those ideas are doing a lot less lingering than ever before. In fact, having a boyfriend, being in a heterosexual relationship, might be becoming just a little cringe. A PR disaster for the modern woman, if you will. And this isn’t coming from the bitter and envious heart of a perpetually single woman such as myself (in fact, I have actually always felt more suited to a carefree, man-free life) but rather from thousands of women, single and taken, across the internet. Without the financial and societal security that a relationship with a man used to provide, the single life is starting to become the better option, as it offers women the opportunity to do whatever we want without the consequences that those who came before us faced.

It was never a secret that over the past thirty years or so, being single has become more and more acceptable. The shift happening now is that having a boyfriend might actually be costing women the social standing that it used to guarantee them. Perhaps it started with the concept of the “pick-me girl”, when everyone decided that pandering to men and bringing other women down in the process was, like, really embarrassing. Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that straight men in general are giving themselves a pretty mad rep right now, what with the rise of incel culture, podcast bros and weaponised incompetence, just to name a few of their quirky qualities.

The fact that now, for the first time in recent history, women are outperforming men in most academic and work fields, might also play into it. The argument here is that there are political and societal shifts happening today that are gradually removing straight men from the pedestal they’ve been on since essentially the beginning of time, and women are starting to see that their partners, or potential partners, might actually fall short in a number of ways. 

In Chante Joseph’s article on this new phenomenon of the “embarrassing boyfriend” for Vogue, she explains why this shift is actually very political. She says that it reflects the fact that heterosexual women are facing “something that every other sexuality has had to contend with: the politicisation of our identity.” Up until extremely recently, heterosexuality has been seen as the ‘norm’ going relatively unchecked and unquestioned by both men and women. But the gender roles that heteronormativity enforces are crumbling fast, and now women are starting to question if they really gain anything from these relationships.

This is not an argument that straight men can never contribute positively to a woman’s life. Healthy and loving relationships between anyone are always a good thing, and as social creatures we need love and relationships in our lives. It is simply an observation that heterosexual relationships are arguably no longer seen as the superior kind of relationship, and often come with a lot of room for improvement. Platonic friendships can provide the same sense of belonging and happiness as a romantic one can, arguably more. And we should stop acting like having a boyfriend or a husband is an achievement that separates you from people who don’t. 

Joseph also discusses a new sort of wariness felt by women with boyfriends when it comes to posting them on social media. The fact is, many women don’t. There’s a reluctance now to come off as proud that you have a boyfriend. Nobody wants to look like they’re boasting about it. That might be because, due to the reasons discussed above, tying yourself to your boyfriend and showing it off as an achievement might be seen as embarrassing or backwards.

Perhaps people feel as though that behaviour reflects a time where women were defined by their relationship status. Single women are free to do what they want without being held back by the responsibilities, often unfairly pushed more onto the woman, that come with a relationship. They can define themselves by their own interests, passions and personalities, rather than being closely tied to the character and behaviour of their boyfriend. After all, who wants to be chastised and painted with the same brush as their racist or misogynistic boyfriends online?

Maybe “embarrassing” or “cringe” aren’t the most appropriate words to use in this discussion. As long as a relationship is significantly improving the lives of all involved, then relationships within all sexualities should be accepted and respected, not seen as something to hide or be ashamed of.

But however controversial this conversation seems, it is an important one. As Joseph put it, the politicisation of the heterosexual identity, and discussions like this that emerge from it, can help build even better, fairer relationship norms, and can take down harmful age-old gender roles that villainise women for willingly staying single.