Real Talk 5th March 2024 by Stellar Magazine

The Confessions Of A People Pleaser – The Journey To Saying No  

'No' is a full sentence

Photo by Anastasiia Chaikovska

For as long as I can remember I have always been a people pleaser.

I said yes to everything, stayed neutral in arguments to keep the peace, and bent over backward for people who would never have done the same for me. But somewhere along the road from girlhood to womanhood my people-pleasing tendencies became worse and the inability to say no took over my life. 

When I did say no, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, and I found myself making up for it in other ways. Was this something that started from childhood? Or was it something so deeply rooted in my ancestry that I have been cursed to live out? Either way, when the lack of no’s in my vocabulary kept me in unhappy relationships, jobs and friendships for far too long, I knew that I would have to do something about it.  

While saying yes to everything is some of the best advice I’ve received for my early twenties, that didn’t mean saying yes to more days in work when I had already spread myself thin, or allowing someone else to borrow that new top that I hadn’t even worn yet.

Could saying no really be that bad? And what was I so afraid of? Well, the truth is, I was afraid of not being liked by others – what I really needed to be worried about was if I even liked them.  

I’m sure all my fellow people pleasers out there know that the hardest part of saying no is setting boundaries. If you are anything like me, you offer forgiveness on a silver platter, constantly allowing others to walk all over you. This does nothing for you and everything for everyone else.

Like many people pleasers, I often attract the type of people who need help and take advantage of my kindness. Realising that it wasn’t my job to fix anyone was a weight off my shoulders. This is something that I’ve come to notice so many young women go through, trying to help someone who doesn’t really want to change.

Breaking away from this version of yourself takes time, but the light bulb moment for me was when I was watching an episode of Bojack Horseman – sounds ridiculous, I know but hear me out.

Main character Bojack asks his friend Diane if she thinks he is a good person “deep down.” Diane (who herself, is a people pleaser) tells him, “I don’t think I believe in deep down. I kind of think that all you are is just the things that you do.” 

This is when I realised it’s time to start looking at people’s actions rather than their words and to stop looking at situations through rose tinted glasses. 

Have you ever heard of the saying ‘no is a full sentence’? Well learning this has helped me on my journey to saying no.

Practicing saying no without an explanation can be scary for us people pleasers, but if you are anything like me, you have spent your life making up excuses and trying to remember the lie you told to get out of whatever it is you have been asked to do and it’s exhausting. Realising that you are allowed to say no and don’t owe anyone an explanation will help set you free from the shackles of a guilty conscious.  

Accepting that not everyone is going to like you is difficult, especially when you desperately want to be that person that people can always rely on. Remember, no one is universally liked and more importantly, what other people think of you is none of your business.

While I’m still learning to implement the ultimate act of self-care in my life – saying no – I have come a long way by asking myself questions such as, ‘am I doing this for me, or someone else?’

After you say no a couple of times it will feel liberating. You have put yourself first, yet here you are still standing, and you will soon wonder what it was you were afraid of in the first place.  

Words by Abby Sammon 

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