When Sex Goes Horribly Wrong: Irish Women Share Their Stories

Because getting the ride isn't always like it is in the movies.

“His body started to convulse…”
I was getting down and dirty with a guy I’d been on a couple of dates with. Things were going well… Or too well as I later found out. We were in his bed and started removing each other’s clothes when his body started to convulse. I’m thinking ‘Em, WTF…’ and then he made a weird sound and rolled onto his back. He had come inside his jeans. I didn’t know where to look… and he just stared at the ceiling and said he was ‘finished’. We stopped dating after that!
Jane, 27

“I thought we were alone…”
I had been on a few dates with this guy, and after a night out I went home with him because he had a free house, or so we thought. We had a great night between the sheets, fantastic to be honest, but the next morning I walked down to the kitchen only to meet his mother there. His parents were home the whole time. After an awkward cup of tea in my clothes from the night before, I walked out to get my taxi and was greeted by his father and some friends working on the farm. I was mortified! I could never face his parents again, so it ended fairly soon after that.
Ciara, 30

“His mum found our lube…”
It was my boyfriend’s birthday so I took a trip to Ann Summers for a few joke presents. I picked up some lube called ‘Anal Lube: Booty Relax’ and a few weeks later he followed me into the shower one morning before work to try it out. An hour later when we were heading to work we suddenly realised that we’d left the anal lube bottle in the bathroom for the whole family to see. His parents got home from holidays that day so there’s no doubt they found it. Morto!
Elaine, 25

“His mum found me in his wardrobe…”
I’d been seeing this guy from my hometown on the sly for a couple weeks when I went back to his house where he lived with his parents, after a night out. The plan was that I’d sneak out without them noticing the next morning but the next day we heard his mum’s footsteps coming up the stairs and towards his room while we were still in bed. The guy hastily bundled me into his wardrobe to hide but to our horror his mum came into the room with a fresh load of laundry, and opened the wardrobe doors to find me just sitting there in a heap. I got out without saying a word to her, dressed in silence and left. I haven’t spoken to him or his mum since.
Michaela, 28

“All of a sudden I felt this intense burning sensation…”
Back when I was in college I used to hook up with this guy regularly. One night he came over and we ordered a pizza together. Soon after eating, we started fooling around and I was having a great time until all of a sudden I felt this intense burning sensation on my clitoris. I learned a valuable lesson that night: don’t let a guy’s hands head south if he’s just eaten a pizza with jalapeños on it or at least make him thoroughly wash his hands with soap and water first.
Caoimhe, 34

“I had to get my sheets dry cleaned…”
I went out for my friend’s birthday a few years ago and it was a massive session like most college birthdays. I met this absolute ride in the nightclub and we got a taxi back to mine. I knew I was on my period so I didn’t plan on having sex with him but one thing led to another and it happened. After we’d finished, he went to the bathroom to clean himself up and bumped into my housemate in the hallway. She saw everything; the blood, his penis, the lot. I died with embarrassment. I also never heard from him again and I had to get my sheets dry cleaned
Rachel, 29

“I heard noises coming from the bathroom…”
I was on a second date with a guy and we were fooling around back at my place. About 10 minutes in he stopped, said he needed to go to the bathroom and hastily left the room. He emerged quite a while later and sheepishly admitted that he’d had an explosive diarrhea attack and had made a mess all over my toilet. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’d already sussed what was wrong because I’d heard some, er, very questionable noises emanating from the bathroom. We dated for about four months after that but I don’t think he ever lived it down!
Molly, 32

Got an embarrassing tale to tell? Drop us a line at info@stellar.ie with ‘Embarrassing’ in the headline.

This article first appeared in the December issue of STELLAR Magazine. Our January issue is on shelves now.

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