Where Does The ‘One-Sided Monogamy’ Idea Come From?

via Netflix

You’ve probably heard of ethical non-monogamy before, where partners willingly open their relationship up to other people. While most non-monogamous relationships work by both partners being comfortable with each other hooking up with other people outside the relationship (polyamory, another form of ENM, describes romantic relationships that consist of more than two people), these relationships often stay exclusive to the people within the relationship.

Ethical non-monogamy has been around for a while, and although it deviates from the social norm of monogamous relationships, it’s pretty much widely accepted today because it’s harmless and consensual. Nobody is being taken advantage of because both partners are looking for the same thing and feel satisfied in the relationship (in most cases, anyway).

Skip forward a bit to a new concept; one-sided monogamy. While other forms of non-monogamy have been more popular among progressive, left-wing circles who were looking to steer away from the “one size fits all” monogamous norms, one-sided monogamy seems to be hugely popular among right-wing men, often promoted by public figures within the Manosphere. Shockerrr. 

One-sided monogamy unsurprisingly usually entails the woman in the relationship staying faithful to her boyfriend/husband, while he is free to hook up with whoever he wants at any time. I like to stay as open minded as possible, but how blurred could the line between non-monogamy and straight up cheating possibly get? I’m sure these men would argue that their girlfriends and wives are totally comfortable in that sort of relationship and it’s all consensual, but let’s really think about it for a moment.

via Pexels

No part of a relationship should be one sided, especially not loyalty. I personally can’t think of any woman who would genuinely enjoy being in a relationship where her man expects her to stay loyal to him but doesn’t respect her enough to return that loyalty. With ethical non-monogamy, there are typically a lot of rules set in place so that both (or everyone) in the relationship feels respected and comfortable, but from what it sounds like so far, one-sided monogamy isn’t nearly as regulated. It just seems like these women are being taken advantage of and disrespected by men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and expect them to naturally submit to their rules. Where’s the fun in that? 

Sure, these women probably did verbally agree to a relationship like that, although I would argue that it was a very reluctant agreement. However, the kind of men who promote one-sided monogamy tend to surround themselves solely with women who have been brainwashed into thinking that traditional femininity and submissiveness should become the norm again. We all saw it in the Manosphere documentary – those sort of men don’t target women who prioritise independence and mutual respect, they go after women who somehow believe they’ll be most secure in life by fully depending on a man.

In Louis Theroux’s Into The Manosphere, influencer Justin Waller and his wife explained that their one-sided monogamous relationship was the best thing for them because it met the natural needs of man and woman. His wife (although not legally married) Kristen used to work as an X-ray technician, but explained she preferred her life as a stay-at-home mum of two because it allowed her to be in her ‘feminine energy’, whatever that means. She also said that she doesn’t mind Justin sleeping with other women as long as she’s vaguely aware it’s happening, because apparently that’s better than her previous relationships where she was “lied to a lot”. This might be a hot take, but if I had to have an unfaithful boyfriend I think I’d feel even worse if he didn’t even respect me enough to try and hide it from me. 

via Netflix

It’s interesting that these men who act like one-sided monogamy is the way of the future were likely the first to ridicule anyone in a non-monogamous relationship. This is because the goal behind one-sided monogamy isn’t to satisfy the interests of both partners, or to express love in a way that feels right to you, or even to try something new. One-sided monogamy is a power play. It’s men who probably feel the need to compensate for other areas of their life trying to enforce their dominance as a man into their relationship. They don’t see their partner as a woman who deserves respect and care, they see her as proof that someone in this world is willing to submit to them and engage in a relationship completely on their terms. They also don’t respect the women they hook up with outside their relationship either. They’re just trophies in their eyes. One-sided monogamy should not be accepted as a valid form of love or romance, it’s really nothing but an act of bravado. 

Of course I’m sure there are some cases where a one-sided monogamous relationship operates the other way around, and the man is the one who stays loyal. I could probably count them all on one hand, but for the sake of the article let’s say that women are also promoting this kind of relationship. It’s still wrong. A relationship is more than just proof that someone wants to sleep with you. You build it up together through care, respect and communication. When somebody cheats, it’s not just the secrecy and betrayal that hurts. It’s realising that your partner didn’t respect you enough to stay loyal, that in that moment a relationship that took so long to build was worth sacrificing for one hook up. One-sided monogamy pretends that it’s different to cheating because both partners are aware of the infidelity, but that means nothing. The lack of respect and the degradation is still there, so why would anyone try to make this acceptable?

From what I’ve seen, one-sided monogamy is just a ploy by these right-wing, misogynist men to take something that was seen as progressive and completely acceptable, ethical non-monogamy, and twist it into something that can only benefit them and their egos and, of course, hurt women. This isn’t progressive, this isn’t ‘woke’ and it certainly isn’t the natural order of things, as some of these couples would argue. I’m in no way saying that non-monogamy or polyamory as a whole is wrong, but this form of it shouldn’t be tolerated. A relationship entirely designed to enforce old gender roles, degrade women and uplift men’s sense of superiority even further? Yeah, no. Maybe it’s good to be close-minded sometimes.