Looking for a fully functioning, toilet-trained human but find yourself attracting pond life? Mary Cate Smith takes you through the top five guys to avoid when dating online.
Picture the scene: It’s 2000 and you’re slow dancing to U2’s With or Without You in Tamango’s. A pimply teenager sidles over and before long you’re lobbing the gob – fast and furious! Fast forward sixteen years and you’re back in the dating world but the slow set’s died out, and you’ve er, no idea how to score these days. So now the most logical thing is to go online, right? Fair enough. Here’s how to spot the warning signs so you don’t nab yourself a knob.
Poster boy: Charlie Sheen
Most likely to say: I only do class As when the kids are in their Mums.
This middle-aged man-child has classic Peter Pan syndrome. He has a couple of kids (that he knows about), sports a pob haircut (think Victoria Beckham in prime WAG mode) and the bachelor pad he bought from his communion money is populated with copious game consoles. A classic kidult, Bertrand/Cecil/DH (insert pretentious wanker name) drives a Hyundai Coupe and likes to take MDMA at festivals while his kids are in the play area. He’s 40 but never dates anyone outside of his mental age (18), so lock up your daughters. This nincompoop has repetitive strain injury in his digits from too much Tindering.
Poster boy: Billy Huxley
Most likely to say: That’s sooooo mainstream
Like fun, a sneaky bop to Biebs and a cheeky bit of Made in Chelsea? Your new bae will clamp down on all guilty pleasures. This hairy molly has a beard that resembles your pubes during Fanuary, he still makes mixed tapes and he’s curator of the local ukelele hootenanny. Danielle, 33, was getting tired of going to paleo restaurants with Dylan, 35, but his new tattoo really took the biscuit. “Along with 15 of his mates, he got a deliberately mis-spelled tat because it was ironic.” No reg[r]ets then brah?
Poster boy: John Mayer
Most likely to say: Your soul is centuries old but your eyes are pools of youthful innocence. (probably the Botox, love)
You swore you wouldn’t fall for the same cheesy lines but you also don’t want to become a cynical hag. Enter a doe-eyed beaut from the Basque region whose first point of contact isn’t a dick pic (ah, the little things). He quotes obscure poetry and plays a mean oboe. After a few weeks of flowers, frottage and full-on romance, you sleep with him only for him to fall off the face of the earth – he’s a professional ghost. Your dad suggests; “maybe he’s dead?” It’s no consolation.
Poster boy: Jeremy Corbyn.
Most likely to say: Do you mind getting it this time?
We’re all for going double dutch but what’s the craic with the lad who makes you pay for everything? Paula, 38, knew her date was a bit skinflint when he showed up in his Sunday best and no front teeth, mansplaining that the Irish dental system was too expensive and he, “didn’t like spending money.” 28-year-old Annie’s second date with Steve, 31, was Netflix and chill in his gaff. Steve was, “trying to save on petrol” and insisted she’d have to take a taxi home. He suggested going to Tesco to buy goodies, finally settling on one lousy bag of reduced price donuts, then stopped to inspect a skip on the way home, “in case there was anything good.” We’re totes up for a bargain, but dumpster diving? Take a hike!
Poster boy: Calum Best.
Most likely to say: What are you wearing?
New company Real Doll is making us lose our shit because now we have to compete with sexbots that perform even when they have a “killer headache.” FFS! 26-year-old Sarah’s ex was known for getting hard-ons at inappropriate moments and the familiar trouser tent even reared its ugly head as he was dumping her!
Aoibhinn, 30, shared a taxi home with Rob, 31, and noticed he was drawing a giant cock in the condensation on the car window. Surprisingly enough, it was their last date. Feargal and Rena Harrington set up matchmaking services A Real Keeper and Intro Matchmaking after hearing hair-raising horror stories about online dating. The Harringtons describe themselves as, “professional wingmen” and can spot Randy a mile away. “If he calls you at the end of a night out under the pretense of missing you, that’s a booty call!” The other warning signs? He suggests getting a hotel room because it’s too hard to get a cab (seriously?), only ever sees you alone or tells you how serious he is after two dates. Is there anything to be said for reviving dancing at the crossroads?
This article first appeared in STELLAR’s January/February issue. Our March issue is on shelves now!
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