What Is The Cinderella Complex – And Why Is it Dangerous?

And how to recognise the signs.

We’re all familiar with the phrase, “And they lived happily ever after.” It’s what we grew up hearing every time we finished reading a fairytale. Two people met, fell in love, and that was that. As harmless as fairytales seem, I can’t help but feel that they left us with unrealistic views on both life and relationships. This leads me to a term known as the Cinderella Complex – a strong, yet unconscious desire to be saved and looked after by someone, while also having a fear of your own independence. The term was first coined back in 1981 by Colette Dowling, an American author and psychotherapist and is based on the idea that many women simply do not believe that they can take care of themselves.

In her book, entitled, Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence, Colette outlines symptoms associated with the complex as well as ways to overcome it. She also explains the consequences of women being raised to be dependent on a man, leading to self-sabotaging behaviours, particularly those linked to success and happiness. Granted, this book came out over 40 years ago and since then generations of women have grown up in a different world with different attitudes on how they view relationships. But still, that doesn’t mean that there are not elements of this structure that still exist today.

So, where exactly does this mindset come from? Well, Psychotherapist Tara Prunty explains that it is not a conscious decision made by the person themselves. “It is so often manifested in the person either intentionally or unintentionally by our parents, caregivers or family members and has a lot to do with the way we were raised, the messages we received at home about relationships as well as the generation we were brought up in.” Dependency and low self-esteem seem to be other root causes of the complex. With parenthood comes the need to protect your child, but Tara warns that sheltering a child too much and encouraging them to become completely dependent rather than independent can take away their ability to see their own independence as a positive trait. Thereby, reinforcing their view that in order to survive in this world they need to depend on someone else to look after them. 

“That then typically manifests into romantic relationships as they move away from their parents and enter into adulthood because the now-adult was never taught the skills needed to be an independent person in society. They latch onto the next person who shows them some of the love and affection they experienced from their parents or caregivers as children,” adds Tara.

To understand how to overcome this complex we must first be able to recognise the signs. Some of which include:

• A tendency to sabotage your own success
• Feelings of need and dependency i.e the thought of your partner leaving
• No longer participating in hobbies and interests of your own and engaging in your partner’s instead.
• Focusing on pleasing your partner rather than yourself
• No longer making decisions for yourself
• Staying in the relationship even if it’s dysfunctional and unhealthy

Fairytale culture has been and very much is real, with partners often referring to their other half as their “everything” and how they would be “lost without them.” However, this once again cements the belief that we cannot be happy if we don’t have another person to experience life with. “If we were to step into the shoes of someone who suffered from the Cinderella Complex we would see any attention as ‘good’ attention,” explains Tara. But with such a mindset comes baggage and as a result, pressure is put on our relationships, restricting our ability to grow inside and outside of it.

As Tara points out, it can even cause us to overlook potential red flags. “If we meet someone who tells us we’re beautiful and showers us with gifts but then asks us to dress differently because people will ‘stare’. Or tells us that a friend we have isn’t actually a very ‘good’ friend and not to spend time with them anymore – we do it. We wouldn’t see these examples as ‘red flags’ ​​because we’ve been led to believe that we need this person for our survival in life.” This leaves us in a vulnerable position when it comes to “potential abusers” or “being taken advantage of by people in our life” such as family members or friends.

While it’s important to remember ​​that it is not ‘needy’ to have needs, there is a line when this can become a trait of over-dependency. The Cinderella Complex comes from deeply ingrained ways of seeing yourself and the world so it’s going to take a bit of shifting in that head of yours to overcome this mindset. Psychotherapy and speaking to someone to help improve your self-esteem and deal with issues of dependency are central to escaping this complex. Tara suggests reaching out to your loved ones first and foremost, as it is often hard for us to realise what’s going on outside of a therapeutic setting. “I would encourage friends or family members to discuss the possibility of having such a complex with their loved ones if they believe they know someone who might be in this position but not recognise it themselves,” she says.

Working on self-sufficiency is also key to overcoming this complex, but as everyone knows Rome wasn’t built in a day, so Tara reminds us to start small. “As therapists, we’re big fans of the term ‘baby steps’ but there is good reason for this. We can’t change everything all at once, we start off slow and build upward on it,” she outlines. “For example, rather than wait for someone to cook for us, look up some recipes on the internet or in a cookbook and try your hand at something you love to eat. If there’s something you have to rely on someone else to do with you or for you, try to learn how to do it yourself, such as driving, washing your clothes, shopping etc.”

Accepting reality can be difficult and complicated for someone who suffers from the Cinderella Complex, so it’s normal to not want to change at first. After recognising that an unhealthy level of dependency may exist in your relationship, the next step you can do is start a conversation. Reflect inwards and find out where this is all coming from and how you can go about changing it. Identify and heal past situations that hurt your self-esteem, be honest about what your needs are and find a healthy way to get them met. Try one new thing a week and see how it feels. Then once you’ve mastered it, try another one. Within time, you’ll soon start to build up that confidence and level of independence you never thought you could. The more small steps you take, the bigger the pay-off and more worthwhile the outcome will be. 

• cinderella complex