EYNTK About Weaponised Incompetence

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It’s no secret that running a household often falls on women. The majority of the responsibility from childcare, to cooking and cleaning as well as admin and finances is commonly left to us. While some heterosexual couples may share the workload more equally, studies and surveys suggest that it’s still massively skewed when it comes to women carrying the load.

In fact, a survey from the European Institute for Gender Equality found that about 91% of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared with 30% of men with children. We’ve all seen and heard examples of when a man does contribute equally, he is often celebrated or praised.

There are many issues that contribute to this imbalance, but one clear factor is weaponised incompetence. The term is used to describe a scenario where one person leads another to believe they are bad at a task, in order to get out of doing it altogether. When someone is asked to do a task, they do it poorly, often waiting until the last minute or, they make excuses that they would be no good at it, leaving the person asking for help frustrated.

Phrases might sound something like: ‘I’d love to cook dinner tonight but you know I’m a crap cook’ or ‘I can’t clean the bathroom, I’ll only end up making more of a mess, you’re just better at it than me.’ While weaponised incompetence can be experienced all year round, it can be heightened at Christmas. It pretty much goes without saying that the festive season can put an extra of strain on women. From preparing the Christmas dinner to card-writing and present-buying, we automatically lead the way when it comes to crucial tasks.

Weaponised incompetence can also be seen as a form of gaslighting. This is when a person is made to think that their feelings are invalid or blown out of proportion. Because of this, it can often be difficult for a someone to realise what is being done to them.

“A sign of weaponised incompetence is when somebody feels like they are not being heard or their efforts are not being seen,” explains Jennifer Davy, Life Coach with Neuroscience. “They have expressed their desire to get some help and have actually asked for help but have either been told ‘no’ directly or they’ve been told, ‘I just don’t have time for that.’ But it is almost like this belittling or minimisation has happened of their request for some help. And it’s often veiled with the excuse of tiredness, or sickness, or inability. So when you’re feeling very stuck, very isolated and not seen, these can all be very palpable signs of ​​weaponised incompetence.”

@maiabemtbc #weaponizedincompentence #weaponizedincompedance #relationshipproblems101 #relationshipproblemsbelike #relationshipproblemss ♬ Sunshine – WIRA

How can we remove weaponised incompetence in our own lives, and ensure we share the load? This all starts with open communication. Have a clear conversation about how you feel and how their behaviour affects your workload. Secondly, remember to set boundaries. After having a heart-to-heart, it’s important to figure out what you are comfortable with and what your boundaries are.

Every couple has a different set up, from work hours, to childcare and other tasks, so it’s important to work out a more balanced set-up. We should also remember that many women still feel it is expected of them, or their responsibility. So how can we end this cycle?

“I think as a group, we need to get better at saying no to things, asking for help, and demanding help really and not just accepting these excuses that are being fed to us,” shares Jennifer, “That’s the bigger question, how are we enabling our partners at these busy times? Because really and truly if the person is demonstrating toxic traits like weaponised incompetence, then they have shown us who they are and it’s really up to us, as the women in the relationship if that is the case, that we’re not going to tolerate that.” 

As Jennifer tells me, we can’t change how another person acts but we can change how we react to someone else’s excuses. “If we go around thinking, ‘I’ll just do that because it’s faster’, ‘I’ll just do it because I know how it’s done’ or ‘I’ll just do it because I’m a good organiser’, then we are allowing that behaviour to continue,” she adds. “But really and truly we are the only ones who can change that in a relationship. That might be by simply saying, ‘I’m not going to do that’ and actually following through with that boundary that we’re setting up.”

We should also consider the emotional burden that Christmas can often put on women. All sorts of roles and tasks are placed on us, from managing the needs of those who might be isolated at this time of year, navigating family dynamics, managing young children’s tempers and generally just trying to keep everybody else happy.

Caring is a learned behaviour, which means that anyone, including men, can be good at emotional labour – it just isn’t expected of them. While it shouldn’t on you to teach anyone how to behave, you should make your feelings clear. You can be part of breaking the cycle too.

“You’ve got to express your needs and ultimately believe that you are allowed to do and say these things,” shares Jennifer. “You do not have to do Christmas things just like how the other women in your life or family do it.

You can break that generational pattern, but you have to believe you are allowed and worthy of doing that. All of this comes down to a very strong, confident, unshakeable self-belief.” Your time, energy and well-being are valuable, so give yourself a break this Christmas and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. 

This article originally appeared in the December 2023 issue of STELLAR magazine.