The Magic of Low Maintenance Mates

Growing up, I always imagined an adult life filled with Doing Things with friends. I was fooled by the romcoms into thinking I would spend my 20s and 30s hosting dinner parties every week, going to sleepovers, and talking on the phone for hours. I socialise, of course, but now that I’m an adult, maintaining an intense level of friendships sounds both exhausting and unrealistic to me.

As women, we’re aware of the importance of female friendships, they’re beautiful and special and frankly, I feel bad that many men rarely experience a closeness like it. But with that, there can also be an ‘all or nothing’ mindset. Just look at Sex and the City, these 4 women seem to pour everything they have into their friendship with one another, and if that was real life, in between all the cocktail hours and Central Park walks, when is there time to do anything else like have a job, a romantic relationship, shower?!

When I was a teenager I would stay up all night texting a friend, spending every weekend with them, seeing them more than my own family during term time. I assumed things would continue that way as I got older but it hasn’t, because life happens. One day you’re 16, with nothing but free time to go sit in a field, the next minute you’re 28 and organising a catch-up 4 months from now when there’s a chance your schedules might align.

Fulfilling friendships don’t need to be so full-on, you know. Enter, the low-maintenance bestie. “A low-maintenance friend is a connection where both parties do not require constant attention or communication to keep the friendship bond between them intact,” explains relationship and dating expert Chengi Tobun.

I consider myself to be extremely lucky to have two best friends with who I’ve maintained low-maintenance friendships for over 15 years. Our physical contact comes in ebbs and flows, there have been times when one of my best friends has lived abroad for some years, and other times when I’ve been so busy with life that I won’t reply to a text they’ve sent for days, but in that time our friendship has never wavered.

I know I can pick up the phone and find help at the other end whenever I need it from both of them. We respect and care for one another enough to know that we don’t need to speak every day and see each other every second day to consider one another best friends. Our kindness, loyalty, and trust are the pillars of our friendship instead.

“Low-maintenance friendships are often based on authentic connections that don’t need performance to maintain. They often operate comfortably at a distance or space,” continues Chengi. “When low-maintenance friends do get in touch and catch up, it usually feels as though no time has gone by. They’re capable of picking up where they left off seamlessly without judgement, shame or guilt for the time that has passed.” 

Turns out, I’m not the only one with easy friendships either, tonnes of people cherish this type of relationship. Take Shakun for example, and her best friend Priyanka. The pair have been friends for 24 years, with a baby, living in different countries, and other life events squeezed into those years. “We’ve lived various stages of life from tweens to early 30s, essentially with the same core values and thought processes. The trust between us is deeply rooted. I like to think of our relationship as a low-frequency, high-impact friendship. We don’t meet, speak, or even message that often. But if one of us wants to talk, whether it’s good news or bad, if we’re feeling great or frustrated, or we just fancy a rant, there’s always a voice at the other end.” 

As great as they sound, however, low-maintenance friendships don’t exactly come easy. A solid foundation and a lot of security is paramount to a low-key friendship. “Solid friendships are a result of quality encounters that give both parties a safe space to show up authentically and vulnerably,” says Chengi. “The best friendships are founded in freedom and willingness from both parties to be the best they can be to each other and show up in the moments of life that matter even after a long separation.”

For Shakun and Priyanka, Shakun says that the effort they put into their relationship in its early stages has made it able to withstand anything, “Our friendship is the outcome of a deeply cared for and nurtured relationship in its early life. With the effort that we put in at the beginning of our relationship, now we’re reaping the benefits of it all these years later.” 

Often, your attachment style can play a huge part in how you need your relationships to function. As Chengi explains: “Low-maintenance friendships are a healthy friendship model in their own right but not suitable for everyone. If one has an anxious or fearful attachment style for instance, these types of relationships will suffer greatly by internalising distance and space as a form of rejection or neglect.”

Often, this type of friendships work best when both parties have a secure or dismissive avoidant-attachment style. But just because a friendship is minimal work, it doesn’t mean that no effort should be invested at all. “Often low-maintenance friendships need so little oxygen to survive, but those in them must be careful not to suffocate them.

A quick check-in now and again, sharing a post on social media to have a laugh on some shared humour, or planning a time to meet will breathe the kind of life into these friendships that can bring them from survival to thriving,” recommends Chengi.

As a chronic over-thinker, my friendships are a place of respite for my mind. There are no expectations on me, sending memes counts as a form of communication, and when we do see each other IRL we have plenty to catch up on over a margarita (or three)! 

This feature originally appeared in the July/August 2023 issue of STELLAR magazine. 

• friendships
• Relationships