10 Things Not To Do While Masturbating (Because Apparently Some People Need Guidance)

With the news that a driver in the UK crashed her car – into a fish van, incredibly – because she was masturbating while stuck in traffic, we got to thinking: someone should compile a cut-out-and-keep guide to what not to do while masturbating.

And because we like to think of ourselves as the people’s magazine, we set to compiling the list – because while we’re big multitasking (and masturbating!) fans, there are some things that require your undivided attention. Such as:

1. Driving

Yep – that’s sitting behind the wheel of your car, feet on the pedals, hand on the gears, other hand on… THE STEERING WHEEL. If you’re a total and utter doofus who decides to masturbate behind the wheel of your car, well, Darwin may have a word or two to say about you – but think of the poor fish van drivers who’ll be at the other end of your idiocy. Drive carefully, kids.

2. Working in an office

For every seemingly bizarre, surely-no-one-does-this thing, there will be a Reddit thread proving that yes, in fact, (lots of) people do this. Take masturbating at work. On the surface, it seems like a doozy: don’t do it. Someone could walk in; wouldn’t you rather go and get a nice coffee; how could you concentrate anyway? But in reality, some people – who care not for their colleagues, their personal hygiene or their work ethic – masturbate at work. We say: just don’t.

3. Talking to your mum on the phone

Really, need we go on? You can probably add your dad, siblings, best friends, colleagues… heck, unless you’re talking to your significant other with the very specific and acknowledged purpose of achieving orgasm – also known as phone sex – don’t talk on the phone while masturbating.

4. Chopping chilies

While, on the one hand (if you’ll excuse the pun), we’re impressed at anyone dexterous enough to chop chilies, one-handed; on the other, we hope that you can see why this is a terrible, terrible idea. Anyone who has ever chopped chilies and then placed said fingers in their eyes / mouth / orifices will know the searing agony of chilli juice on soft, vulnerable body parts. Avoid.

5. Eating hot soup

Who hasn’t eaten super-hot soup, straight out of the microwave, and burnt their chin? (Just us?) Imagine that tortuous pain on your nethers. Now do you see why it’s a no-no?

6. Holding scissors

There’s far too much emphasis in schools, if you ask us, on not running with scissors; try holding a pair of scissors while masturbating, and you’ll know the true meaning of accident and emergency.

7. Painting your nails

Statistically, precisely 2 percent of the population* can paint their own nails without smudging the polish all over their cuticles. The other 98 percent are left mopping up, post-paint, with a cotton bud and the bottle of nail polish remover. Add to that already tricky act of precision the fact that your other hand is engaged in a rhythmic pulsing motion and, well, you can see where we’re going with this. Nail polish everywhere.

8. Sitting on the couch with the curtains open

Unless you’re getting paid for it, don’t be giving tickets to that peep show away for free. (And no, that is not a viable career choice.)

9. Sitting on the couch with the dog / cat / hamster

Pets are for companionship and love, yes, but not that kind of love – they do not deserve to be subjected to that kind of torture, especially when they have no one to confide their feelings in and no method of escape. Plus, y’know, if you don’t want them to lick their private parts in public, how can you set such a bad example?

10. Walking on a treadmill

It is definitely not just us – walking on a treadmill is fraught with difficulty and potential peril. Add to that already delicate game of #fitfam Jenga a wandering hand and a pulsating pelvis and you could face mild injury, tooth loss and more! Imagine falling, face first, on to that treadmill and landing heavily on your masturbating hand. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

Got any more? We’d love to hear ’em! Let us know below or via Twitter!

• health
• masturbating
• multitasking
• safety
• Sex