Dublin Girlo’s Guide To Surviving The Office Christmas Party
Ho, Ho, Ho!
How is it that time of year again? That time when Asos, Miss Guided and PLT are flooded with sequin dresses, velvet jumpsuits and mistletoe G-strings! It is December, Huns, which means you are about to embark on a big night out with the people you spend 40 hours a week with.
It seems like only yesterday I woke up with the night before’s tit tape stuck in my extensions and a kidney infection I tried to blame on too much drink instead of admitting I had scored the office DILF.
This year I was in two minds as to whether I should even go or not. I mean am I really ready for senior management to see vomit come out my nose after too many shots or watch me fall asleep in the residents bar? But with some gentle persuasion from my work Huns my hotel room is booked, so is my blow dry and spray tan and my mistletoe G-string is about to be recycled.
The office Christmas party is always a mad night and I love mingling with people in work who I usually wouldn’t even hold the door for. But I am not looking forward to waking up the morning after with the dread wondering if my p45 is in the post. So here are my dos and don’ts to make sure you don’t end up in the Social Welfare office just before Santa comes.
Let whoever wants to buy you a drink
It’s usually the 56 year old “I play golf, drive a 171 and have a polish girlfriend half my age” type who have all the power over the free drink. They either have the drink tokens or the company credit card and no one wants to wake up a week before Christmas with €250 gone out of their account. You work hard all year for these people, take advantage of the freebies while you can.
Don’t tell anyone your secrets
The office Christmas party is a great chance to mingle with new people but does Suzie from Accounts need to know that were riding the hot guy that sits across from her for 6 months and have had the imprint of her keyboard on your arse because her desk is the only one in the building a security camera isn’t pointing at? No, no she does not.
Tell everyone what you really think of them
Life is too short to be wasting time listening to people you can’t stand talking about stuff you don’t give a flying f**k about. So if you can’t stand the office bitch who back backs everyone let them know. And if you are mad about the oul lad from finance or regret never getting to have the chats with the receptionist tell them too. What could possibly go wrong…………?
Dress to Impress
I always dress for the Christmas party like it’s the last time I’m going to see these people just in case my p45 is actually handed to me. I have often heard my Huns find an amazing outfit online only to say “I can’t wear that to a work thing” but f*ck that. It is Christmas, why would you want everyone in work seeing you on a Saturday night looking exactly like you do Monday to Friday? I always invest in a red dress, heels that I have to take off by 10 o clock and a giant clutch bag big enough to hide 2 naggins in.
Avoid the resident’s bar
This is advice I need to take myself! On any other night out I’d be all over it but at the office Christmas party this turns into a swingers club and is where people go to cheat on their partners.
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Now that I have reminisced about Christmas parties past, I cannot wait to have my arms wrapped around my Huns belting out Band-Aid with Tinsel around my neck karate kicking some OAP coming towards me with mistletoe.
I hope you all have an amazing one Huns and are still in full time employment the morning after. Stay Stunnin’
This article first appeared in the December issue of STELLAR Magazine. Our January issue is on shelves now.
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