Understanding The 3 Different Attachment Styles

We’ve probably all heard of attachment styles, the different ways in which we act in relationships based on our experiences in our younger years.

But do we really know everything about the three main attachment styles, where their theories comes from, and how they impact our relationships?

Here’s a quick 101 on what you need to know.

Attachment, much?

Secure, Avoidant and Anxious, the three main attachment styles, were introduced by psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s.

This framework explains how our upbringing and relationship with our main caregivers affect how we view and navigate relationships as adults.

Secure attachment styles develop when children can constantly rely on their main caregiver, being able to express emotions freely. Knowing which style you relate to can help to understand more about ourselves and the way we think, but despite our primary relationships, we can always change our attachment styles.

Secure attachment style

People with a secure attachment style find it easy to build healthy, long lasting relationships. This style is a result of feeling secure with your caregivers growing up and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without the fear of being punished.

Children growing up in these environments felt safe, comforted, understood and had caregivers who were emotionally available.

Behaviours of a secure attachment style

• Ability to regulate emotions
• Ability to self reflect in relationships
• Manage conflict well
• Effective communication skills
• Easily trusting others
• Comfortable being alone

How it manifests in relationships

Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to get on well in relationships and experience healthy mental well being.

They feel as though they are worthy of love and don’t need constant reassurance from a partner.

Avoidant attachment style

Avoidant, dismissive avoidant, or anxious avoidant attachment style is defined by failures to maintain long term relationships due to the inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy.

In childhood, a person may have had emotionally distant or absent caregivers who expected them to be independent, rejected needs or emotions, or left them to fend for yourself.

Caregivers may have been outright neglectful or may have simply been busy or more concerned about things like grades or manners than feelings or fears.

Children of this attachment style tend to adopt a strong sense of independence because of this.

Behaviours of an avoidant attachment style

• Persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy
• Feel a strong sense of independence
• Are uncomfortable expressing your feelings
• Are dismissive of others
• Have a hard time trusting people

How it manifests in relationships

Anxious-avoidant attachment behaviours may stem from stressful life experiences.

Pressure to give or receive support or increase emotional intimacy can trigger avoidant tendencies, while major life changes, like becoming a parent, can challenge independence, potentially leading to depression and reduced relationship satisfaction.

Anxious attachment style

Anxious attachment, also known as anxious-preoccupied, is another insecure attachment style characterised by fear of rejection, abandonment and depending on a partner for validation.

This attachment style often develops from inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, leaving children feeling confused and insecure, not knowing what to expect from caregivers.

As a result, these children may grow up to be codependent, believing they must manage others emotions.

Behaviours of an anxious attachment

• Clingy tendencies
• Highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
• Needing approval from others
• Jealous tendencies
• Difficulty being alone
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling unworthy of love

How it manifests in relationships

People with anxious attachment styles may experience reduced relationship satisfaction and well being due to a fear of abandonment or loss.

Stressful events can trigger anxious behaviours, for example, they may become overly focused on their partner’s thoughts and feelings and react in unhealthy ways if they sense threat to the relationship.

Changing your attachment style, as mentioned before, is very possible but may require time and effort, as well as a few sessions with a professional, if you really need to dig into your triggers and past experiences.

Theories like attachment styles are having a moment on TikTok, but it’s important never to self-diagnose and always speak to a therapist or doctor if your mental health needs a bit of a lift.

In the meantime, here are a few tips to help you become more aware of your behaviours and thoughts before learning how to pivot them.

• Journal emotions; this will help to identify recurring patterns in how we feel about relationships
• Open communication; to express needs and trust in relationships
• Pausing before reacting; allowing time to calm down and gather your thoughts before responding
• Considering your impact; reflect on how your behaviour affects the relationship
• Examine the evidence; for or against your thoughts to challenge distorted beliefs

It’s helpful to identify our style and learn more about why we react to things the way we do, only then can we begin to break bad habits and begin to flourish.

Words by Edel Hickey