No such thing as fumbling with a condom in the films!
Hollywood has hugely influenced our ideas of what ‘good sex’ should be like, but maybe it shouldn’t have…
Women are happy to keep their bras on throughout
We get that it’s to keep things rated 12 and over, but it’s still pretty funny to see the bra staying firmly on when everything else has come off. #freethenipple
Shower sex is uncomplicated
How has Hollywood gotten away with presenting shower sex as sexy for so long? It’s potentially dangerous, it’s hard to get into position, it gets cold if you don’t stand under the shower head, but if you DO stand under the shower head, someone’s getting water to the face. An absolute shambles.
Periods never get in the way
We’re wracking our brains to remember a sex scene in which the female character interrupts foreplay to say “Um, so I’m on my period now. Will we put some towels down, or?” We’re not counting the infamous tampon scene in Fifty Shades, because that was just upsetting.
Shoes and socks will not be a problem
They are SUCH a problem. You have to fully stop and unlace shoes, waddle around with your trousers at your knees, pull off boots, hop around trying to peel your socks off, hope your feet don’t stink… No bodices being ripped over here, that’s for sure.
And there’s no fumbling with a condom
In fact, you don’t often see a condom being put on at all. This is actually kind of irresponsible, and contributes to the (incorrect) idea that retrieving and putting on a condom “ruins the mood”. If the process of taking off your shoes and socks didn’t ruin the mood, putting on a condom certainly won’t.
Losing your virginity is romantic and fulfilling
There’s no doubt that for some people it WAS romantic and fulfilling, and everything went right on the first try. Lucky for them! But for most people, the first time is not sensual and sexy, nor is it particularly pleasurable. Sex is something you have to work to be good at, and that’s okay.
There’s no discussion about switching positions
If a film character wants to flip their partner over, they just do it, and everyone’s like, “cool!” But in reality, you do need to have a few words about what’s happening next, because it’s important to a)ascertain that they’re happy to do it and b) figure out how exactly to go about it. Communication is key!
Both parties finish at the same time
Every. Time! And then one rolls off (usually him), breathless, and then they both get dressed right away. Syncing orgasms is just… not a thing in real life, is it? We’re happy to be corrected on this, though. Write in! We have so many questions.
And the woman can always climax through penetration only
The penis has barely gone in and she’s in ecstasy, moaning and arching her back and clawing at pillows and what have you. If you were relying on films for sex education (as so many Irish people have unfortunately had to do), you wouldn’t know the clitoris existed, never mind what to do with it.
Straight after, the woman needs to snatch the sheet up to cover her boobs
They might have been okay with their partner seeing them naked before and during sex, but not a second after. Not one second! The sheet will fall over them in a L-shape to cover the woman from the boobs down and the man’s lower half. Convenient.
If the woman needs to get up, she pulls the sheet off the bed and wraps herself in it…
No one ever makes the risky naked dash to the loo, or, I don’t know… puts on their jammies?
Or charmingly dons a man’s oversized shirt
What if there’s no oversized shirt thrown on the floor for you to charmingly don?! Do you raid the wardrobe?
If it’s a same sex couple, well you’ll likely see no action at all!
Because Hollywood just hasn’t come to terms with gay sex at all, although it’s getting ever so slightly better… well, like one per cent. And sure Grey’s Anatomy is great for representation on the telly, but mostly only when it comes to lesbians. Hmm.
There’s no need to clean up or wee or anything after, just fall asleep in each other’s arms
We can only assume that every single movie character in history was beset by UTIs. And everyone knows that it’s near-impossible to get a good night’s sleep in someone’s arms – it’s too warm and uncomfortable. It’s just lie after lie after lie from you, Hollywood! Stop the madness.