Ask James: ‘Should I Tell My Friends I Peed In The Hot Tub – While They Were In It?’

James Kavanagh answers your questions like only a gas bitch can.

I was just at a birthday party and met this guy who was there with a good friend of a friend. They were on a date by the looks of things, but it seemed as though it was going badly. I fancy him loads and I think we got on great. Am I allowed to swoop in and take my prey, or do I have to wait for my friend’s friend to officially part ways with him? Becca, Wicklow

If you truly saw it going badly, then GO FOR IT. Life is too short to stand witness to bad relationships flourishing. First thing’s first: find him on Instagram, add him and start flirt-replying to his Stories. Make sure you engage all the essential flirtmojis: the splash, the aubergine etc. If he engages back, job done. Enjoy the ride (hopefully literally).

I was in London recently and my friend rented an Airbnb with an amazing hot tub on the roof. We were all in there, having a great time when suddenly I noticed myself peeing. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so right. I had drank a lot of gin at the time, but I’ve since realised that I was wrong to pee in such a small space, surrounded by friends. Should I tell my friends that I basically peed on them? I feel guilty. Olwyn, Galway

This is probably the first time I’ve ever been shocked at a person who sent me a question. Usually they are simple, kind-hearted folk who just want some boy advice, or tips on how to deal with a tricky friend. Now, here I am dealing with someone who’s into non-consensual water sports?! You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sure, pee in the sea or in the shower (at a push) if you need to get your kicks. But a hot tub? A HOT TUB FILLED WITH YOUR FRIENDS? A hot tub is a glorified bath – they’re not large enough not to absorb at least some of the pee. You need to come clean and tell your friends about your wicked ways and beg for mercy. They might not forgive you, though. And I wouldn’t blame them.

My housemate and I work from home; both on laptops most of the time and enjoy nice banter throughout the day. However, lately she’s been (badly) singing patriotic hymns (mostly about Athlone as she’s from there) at the top of her voice and it’s doing my head in. Any way I can gently let her know that this is not wanted? Anna, Dublin

Funnily enough, I have a friend (hi Edel) who has a tattoo on her lower-back in Comic Sans that says ‘Athlone to the bone’ with an illustration with a love heart around it. It’s quite the piece to behold, tbh. People from Athlone tend to be very county-proud, so you’ll have to be careful not to offend her or her people.

I would start by leaving ear plugs around the place and dramatically grabbing them every time she sings. Turn your music really loudly up when she sings. Cry, smash a plate and run into your bedroom when she sings. Little subtle hints like these will let her know that perhaps singing when you’re at home isn’t a good idea.

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